2018 & BEING TRUE TO MYSELF

Okay, here goes, my first blog post of 2018. First of all it absolutely blows my mind completely that it is now 2018, I still remember to this day gathering around my grandad's TV and jumping up and down when the clock struck midnight for 2000...

I really do have such a mixed review on 2017. I feel like there were some massive highs but also massive lows, and not much in between. I've felt SO much pressure this year in relation to where I should be in my life at the age of 25, and to be honest maybe its the brick wall I've come to thats making me progressively anxious and low... However, I did tell myself at the beginning of 2017 that I wanted to travel to as many places as I could during all my annual leave breaks from work. Safe to say I achieved that! I also said I wanted to experience working in London - which I also did! (yay life achievements). Anyway, I felt like having a little blab this evening about my direction for 2018, so here goes!

WHATS THE POINT IN BEING UNHAPPY?
For many many months over the past couple of years I have repeated the phrase in my head, as well as out loud, 'whats the point?'. Whether this has stemmed from my lack of progression in my career/love life, or my general negative surroundings at home etc. I just genuinely got to a point where I thought, whats the point in even smiling anymore, let alone to carry on with this huge thing we call life? (sounds so OTT right? yet genuinely how I've felt for so so long)

However, when I was handed the prescription for a strong anti depression/anxiety drug this week, I thought.. wait, 'Whats actually the point in being unhappy?'. Whats the point in me taking these tablets to dull a feeling, emotion, or in worst case - lifestyle, that I can at least try to change, by training my own brain. TRUST ME, I know what its like to have a fight with your own mind on a daily, hourly, minutely(?), basis. I remember thinking when I was around 5/6 that I must have a much chattier brain than everyone else, because mine spoke to me so much all the damn time. Which now kinda makes sense, considering I'm one of the most sensitive, emotional, compassionate & anxious souls.

Learning about yourself is weird. I've personally realised that being unhappy, moaning about everything and being down in the dumps about what I don't have or haven't done etc, takes a tonne more energy than it does to just be. My nan tells me 'If you don't know what to do, do nothing', which personally completely freaks me out. Do nothing? What do you mean?! Sit down and actually read a book for an hour? Sit down and blog for an hour? but thats a waste of time, I could be doing this this and this, or walking the dog, or having a bath, or going to the gym or or or or or... and so it goes on.
I overthink so much, yet ironically, end up doing nothing. So tell me, whats actually the point in the over thinking part? the talking down to yourself part? the thinking you're not good enough part?

I've decided that this year, instead of going down a path of counselling and/or medication, I'm going to try and train my own mind to think in a different way. I guess my own form of meditation? I've always been the type of person to think 'what a load of bollocks', when it comes to things like yoga or meditation, but actually, when I give it a chance, instead of judging it, it's kind of easing my thoughts a little. Instead of opening my eyes in the morning and feeling my heart race at the thought of my day, I simply just picture the warm shower I'm about to get it, the nice face wash I get to smell to wake myself up. Literally taking my day step by step. Sounds crazy right? but its working.

REMEMBER YOUR WORTH
I'll tell you now honey, nothing will kill soul you more than putting yourself in a position that makes you feel like an idiot. Whether it be sticking in a friendship/relationship with someone whose done you wrong or trying to be someone you're not. Remember what you're about - I know I have a genuine heart and good intentions. I'm generally an all round nice person and I need to remember not to change that for anyone. I've learnt that I could never lower my personality to fit in with a certain friendship group, career path, or lifestyle, just like I will never let go of what I know I deserve as a person. What I'm trying to say here is, (the classic line), 'there is only one of you', but its true! You are precious, treat yourself as such. It helps your mental health, trust me.

NEVER GIVE UP ON YOUR DREAMS *cliche but true*
Okay so if I'm being completely and utterly honest, my dream would be this:

• Live in a country house big enough for my two dogs, a sausage dog, a miniature poodle, and my two siamese cats. (Obviously a hunk of a husband would be nice, (as long as he's not too annoying) & maybe a couple of kids)
• Have a Range Rover Evoque (completely black all over), have my own business (doing what, I dunno yet), but all the while, living my best life, you know?

OH and a holiday home in maybe three or four destinations?
But seriously.. being realistic I will always, ALWAYS, have in mind these three things:

HAPPINESS - 

I can whole heartedly say my happiness has been robbed of me over the past 2 years. (I mean how dare it?). I almost don't even really know what happiness feels like anymore. I always think about this little old man at work, who can just about still walk. How can he be so happy every single day? He spends his time filling up hanger rails and pushing around cages, all the while singing and whistling to himself. He is always so cheery and smiley and I am so jealous!! How does he do that?!  I really struggle with monotonous routine, and for once I feel like its something I shouldn't be ashamed of anymore. I've always thought that you were just meant to have a strict routine of going to work every day, eat the same lunches, see the same people, talk about the same shit day in day out, and to be honest I think its what's driven me insane. My main goal for 2018 is to find some form of happiness, within myself. Not in a boyfriend, a job, a passion or a hobby, but in myself. I've kind of lost myself as of late and I'm finally excited for 2018, to give me a chance of new ideas and inspiration for my future.

LOVE - 

"LOVE IS LIKE OXYGEN, 

LOVE IS A MANY, SPLENDID THING,

LOVE, LIFTS US UP WHERE WE BELONG,

ALL YOU NEED IS LOVE" 

(cheeky Moulin Rouge quote for you there). 

In all seriousness, I've realised love is so so important to me. I love hard. Truly, madly, deeply, if you will, (vom). I don't need love to survive, but when I do have it in my life (I'm talking in a romantic way here), I need it in the right way. I basically realise that I would be the shittest gold digger ever. You could give me all the shopping money in the world, my favourite car, a beautiful flat and a new pair of black boots every single week, but if I don't feel that warm, fuzzy, stupid, excessive, over the top, crazy passion from someone in return for my heart (and yes, it does exist), I can't do it. Its all or nothing for me baby. I'll never understand those couples that can go on an evening out and just stare at their phones, or come home from a day at work or a week away and not be welcomed and celebrated home. It just blows my mind. I'd rather snuggle together in a cardboard box than live in a mansion being ignored, you get what I'm trying to say here?

HEALTH - 

My health being at 80-100%, is the dream. It's very precious to me, I know what its like to have it taken away for months at a time and I'll tell you one thing, it ain't nice and it ain't pretty. Even on my lowest of days I count my lucky stars that my general health has been decent for the past 6 months. I also try to remind myself most days that I can see, hear, walk, talk, breathe, like.... how lucky am I?

I'm still not really sure what my #goals are for 2018 yet, and to be honest, I'm a little bored of reading the 392589 '2018 GOALZZZ' blog posts I've been reading through the month of January, so I'l spare you that. I'm not really sure the point of this post actually is, maybe just to remind myself, and you, that you are bad ass and you can do anything. Whether that be training your brain to tell you you'll be okay if you get out of bed that day, or doing a sky dive - your choice. Whatever you chose to be happy, whether it be big or small, celebrate it. Any victory is a step in the right direction hey! :)

PS if you're interested in my outift:

Jacket - Primark

Jumper - Primark

Trousers - Zara

Shoes - Reebok

Necklace - Topshop (old)

Thanks for reading!
Madi x

AUTUMN ANXIETY

Its been so long since I've sat down and typed at my laptop, I'm not even sure how to start a blog post any more, let alone write one! I'm literally just going to sit here with no plans, no bullet points, no structure, just type my mind (so sorry if its a bit of a mish mash of rambles).

So, Autumn, most peoples favourite time of year. Where everyone goes into a knitwear frenzy, everything suddenly becomes pumpkin spice flavoured and if you don't have a photo of some form of autumn leaf or carved pumpkin on your Instagram, you can't possibly love Autumn as much as the next person. I'm usually in a state of content this time of year, where my working days seem short (due to the first couple hours being before the sunrise), and the hours I spend snuggled in my dressing gown with Theo, or curled around an endless stream of Youtube videos from my phone while wrapped up in bed, seem to have not much of a limit. This is my happy place. Or so it was.

This year for the first time ever I'm left with my own thoughts. A lot. So the time I spend alone in my room or snuggling my dog aren't quite as sacred as they were before. They've become the norm, which means instead of feeling content and happy, I just feel lonely and exhausted by the thoughts constantly circling my head. For me the main reason for that is this - I am single. It's never really hit me before, that feeling of being truly alone. Where you could look at your phone after a couple hours and there be nothing there to read or respond to, you have no bags to pack for an overnight stay or nobody to wait for to meet after work. I've been in very serious relationships over my entire teen/young adult life, so for me, without having someone intertwined in my life, is a very strange, elating but also a completely empty feeling.

It's only this Autumn where I have truly realised what it must've been like for all my family and friends the past decade. I was the girl who always gave all of her time to her boyfriend. I was the girl who sacrificed rest and alone time for a boyfriend. And I was the girl that didn't give a second thought to how my friends would feel when I would cancel plans last minute because my boyfriends plans had changed. I am the girl who prefers one on one male company to any other company, and this year for the first time ever, I've experienced what it feels like to be on the other end of that, and to be honest, I'm glad. I think its the smack in the face I've been needing to make me not only truly appreciate time with my friends, to make time for them and make them feel valued in my life, but also value the time with any future relationships I may have. Its this year that my head has actually come out of the sand and realised all the cool things my friends have done while I've been spending all my time and energy in relationships.

Which leads me to thinking about myself and my life from now on. This year - this Autumn so far, has been a strange one. I've never ever felt more low, and I've never ever felt more disheartened and disappointed in myself, for wasting so much time on toxic relationships, that I now realise I was only holding on to (despite them making me deeply unhappy), to avoid this very feeling. I was using relationships to make me feel valued and worthy. I was using relationships to make me feel wanted, attractive and not alone. I realise now without that constant attention/distraction I'm desperately unhappy with myself.

ALAS, heres to happy changes. I'm not the type of person to dwell for too long and I hate moaning/people who moan too much. I'm constantly trying my very best to pick myself back up from low points and push myself for the next challenge, which is exactly what I'm about to do. 0 boyfriends in tow. Next week I set off to London, for a two week placement at John Lewis's head office in the Communications department. Even typing that makes me feel weird. I am quite frankly, pretty petrified. Right now I'm thinking about if my coach will get from Bristol to London ok, let alone getting up on time, getting ready, catching the tube, finding somewhere to eat lunch, navigating my way around London etc. I just know once I get there I'll think 'why did I worry about this so much', but for now I'm all kinds of nervous/excited. All my friends, ex boyfriends, and family, know that this whole working in London and putting my degree to use thing, is something I've always wanted to do, and to be honest, this time last year theres no way I'd have the balls to even enquire about such things. So, heres to Autumn 2017 - having the balls to try new things, nipping depression in the bud, valuing and giving time to myself and people who actually care about me over anybody else, and recognising my personal achievements, no matter how small.

PS this is the first outfit post I've done in literally YEARS. I used to be so confident strutting my stuff in front of a camera (granted it was usually on a tripod in my bedroom), so it felt super weird for my slightly shy/awkward 2017 self to be photographed by the lovely Chloe (from Chloeharriets.com)

Jumper - Primark

Earings - Primark

Trousers - Primark

Bag - Primark

Boots - Topshop

Watch - Marc Jacobs

Lipstick - MAC - Stone

Thanks for reading and I hope you're enjoying the Autumn season as much as the rest of our generation seems to be this year! 

Madi x

BACK WHEN I WAS COOL

I was cruising the Interwebs the other day, as you do, when I decided to look at my old blog. The blog I started way back when in 2009, when I first found my, #passionforfashion. (For some reason, whenever I talk about Fashion, I just have to hashtag, 'Passion for Fashion', and every time I do, it reminds me of the Bratz dolls slogan, remember those?). One of my favourite style influencer back then (and still to this day), was Lily Melrose (plus a tonne of people from Tumblr or Lookbook.nu I embarrassingly, religiously, obsessed over - ). I remember checking Lily's blog every single day to check in on what garments she was showing off next.

There's something so satisfying about reading blog posts, don't you think? Especially when they're personal fashion and/or beauty ones. Having a nose into someone else's wardrobes or makeup bags just fascinates me. (Maybe I'm just nosey as fuk). Anyway, looking through my old photos got me thinking. I was so good at actually posting my outfit every day I had a day off work, and I had so much confidence in doing so. Whacking out all the different poses, not being afraid to show off my body shape or style etc, and doing it purely because I found it fun to shoot photos of myself with my £19.99 Argos tripod. I feel frustrated at myself sometimes at the fact I've just seemed to let it all slip over the past 4ish years. I feel there are probably a few people out there that feel the same as me about blogging. The ones that have been watching Youtubers grow since 2008, or the ones that have Tumblr accounts dating back to 2007, when they were just 'so emo'. The old school bloggers that have just seemed to have gotten lost in the overwhelming explosion of 'prettier' women, or 'more popular' content. I realise now its stupid of me to stop what I was doing, purely because I thought my style didn't fit with what people liked anymore.

                         

I think in recent years the Internet and social media has BLOWN. UP. All of a sudden people are making millions from their Youtube accounts or being interviewed by big brands because of their perfectly commercialised blog content, that everyone can't help but be interested in. There are girls that perfectly fit the 'Instagram girl' look and end up making money by promoting clothing brands and discount codes. To which I say - fair fucking play. If you've got the confidence and you've got the aesthetic to fit a trend everyones loving - go for it. It's just unfortunate for me that I ended up letting boys and boozing take up majority of my free time over the past few years, and letting the doubt I felt over people judging me or making fun of me, take over - thus losing touch with one of my favourite hobbies. I guess I'm kind of writing this post as a reminder to myself, 'you've done this all before'. Received emails from independent brands, shot and shared outfit posts, reviewed subscription boxes, received emails and comments with compliments and encouragement, tested out makeup products, met up with people from the internet I've never met. I feel as though I'm ready to jump back on the blogging band wagon and actually produce content I've always wanted to again. It may not mean I have a photographer boyfriend to take snazzy photos of me, a fancy flat in London, or expensive technical equipment - but why not carry on what I started, when it was something I enjoyed so much.

Its funny how I feel as though I was more confident in myself when I was 14-18, the ages where you're stereotypically supposed to feel the most self conscious?! I feel as though my 20's have been my most anxiety filled, doubtful and confusing years of my life so far. Now more than ever, I've lost where I fit, or what my style even is, or which direction I'm taking in life. (Read my blog post of being a confused 20-something here).  I always remember feeling so cool, strolling down the street in my unique vintage finds, or wearing my expensive new blusher that I was sent in a Glossy Box. I found an awesome post from Jemma Wade where she talks about 'grabbing life by the balls', and doing what you want in life, not being afraid to try out loads of different hobbies/interests/careers, and not always conforming to what society tells us to do. Her words were as if she was reading my brains daily thoughts! Anyway, what I think I'm trying to say is, never be afraid to do you. I always feel when I wear something new I've bought, or post a new blog post, or make certain life choices, I'll in some way or another, receive negative feedback or a bad reaction from people - but why should I care? I've learnt over time that anyone who makes me feel insignificant or embarrassed over things I chose to wear, interests I have, friends I hang around with or music I listen to - say goodbye. Life's way, way too short to have people in your life that don't make you feel good about yourself. Am I right or am I right?

PS can we just take a moment for my eyebrows circa 2009-2013? oh my. 

Thanks for reading, as always

Heres to doing you & being the best #girlboss or #boyboss you can be.

Madi x

N O I S E

Nooooooooo... a couple of outfit posts!? Surely not!? Ok so, when we were in Budapest, I bought a couple new items of clothes and thought, 'right, I'm going to be REALLY annoying, and ask Chrsitina every. single. day, to take photo's of my outfit'. I was super sure I'd have an entire array of photos and outfits to show you.. HOWEVER, by day 2, that was it, my energy (and probably Christina's energy too), was gone. Motivation for any kind of posing, had well and truly, left the building. Look though! I did a little suttin' suttin'. I actually got my posing out, in front of random passer's by, not that far from the Museum of Applied Arts, Budapest. 

ANYWAY, ehem, back to my 2010 Fashion Blogger tone.. 

This outfit, was incredible. I can't really remember what the weather was like this day, a little on and off. I just can't get over how airy and light this top is, and isn't it so unusual!? The cut and print design on it were the bits that caught my eye the most, (not to mention it was a mere £19.99). A crisp, cool and airy cotton material - I am in love. Anything that lets my skin breath and allows me to move freely, is like a match made in heaven to me. Due to the top being quite a statement piece, I decided to pair it with plain black cotton leggings and my trusty Van Classics. (Holding Primark sunglasses for effect, I'm pretty sure I didn't need them this day). 

Top - Zara

Leggings - H&M

Vans - Vans

Sunglasses - Primark

Earings - Primark

Maybe my favourite outfit out of the entire trip? I think this outfit really just sums me up. A mixture of street wear, cutsie pieces, and silver accessories. Ask most people that know me and I'm pretty sure thats how they'd describe my general day to day style. (Asides from my XL tshirts and leggings which I actually wear 90% of the time). I was quite skeptical about buying this Carhartt tshirt, it's been a bazillion years since I've invested in something 'designer' or 'with a name', as my mum would say. I've just not really seen the fascination with it, especially when I know I can get something similar for a fraction of the price elsewhere. HOWEVER, I feel like just this tshirt alone, has changed my perception. I cannot get over how SOFT and amazing this tshirt felt. I ended up wearing it down to breakfast every day once I realised how beautiful it felt on my skin. Plus it looks cool as fuq.

Tshirt - Carhartt

Jumpsuit - Topshop (old)

Belt - Topshop

Shoes - Converse

Sunglasses - Primark

APRIL ROUNDUP

LATE AGAIN - what am I like! I feel like I'm either super super busy lately, or super exhausted/ill. *rolls eyes*. I feel like I've done tonnes this month, (and I wonder why I have no money, ever). Lots of exciting things have happened, news shared, people met etc.
This month kicked off with a trip to the Zoo with my step sister Elly, she's not long found out she's pregnant with a baby girl and we're all kinds of excited. I've never had it where someone close to me/my age is expecting before, its super cool to finally have someone to buy all the cute bits in work for.

THE ZOO:

I haven't been to Bristol Zoo in what feels like a bazillion years. Forgetting Spring time is baby animal season, I don't think we could've picked a better time to go! A picnic and cup of tea after our arrival, and we were ready for ALL THE ANIMALS. My personal favourite was the new baby pigmy hippo (!!!!!).

PARENTAL DISBUTE:

                         

As always this month saw a tonne of pretty dog walks. I feel like me and my friends as a collective are going through the phase we tend to go through once every couple months - feeling the strain of living at home/with parents etc. Its been nice to catch the end of the day sunsets, talk it out together, watch the dogs play, grab a prosecco, and just chill. An occasional breather, from the fact we're drowning in a sea of unaffordable houses, argumentative households, and underpaid jobs - is always welcomed. Its pretty awesome we all live within a close proximity of each other so we have a means of escape from time to time. Speaking of which, the last photo is from one of our dine in nights at Esther's. We're getting pretty good at the whole cooking a meal for more than one person thing. Tasty ones at that! 

ROAD TRIPPIN':

This month I've had a few *super proud* moments. Ever since getting my new car I've found a new confidence in long distance driving, (maybe because it doesn't shake while travelling over 70mph). On Easter Sunday I plucked up the courage to ask my mum and oldest bestie, Maddie, to accompany me to my aunties BEAUTIFUL house, in Tring, Hertfordshire.  I completed the drive there in just over 2 hours, managed to stop over at a services and gave Theo his first experience of stretching his legs and tasting the communal dog bowl of Reading service station. The day saw us having a countryside walk, consuming lots of Earl Grey, catching up with my cousins, drinking champagne and eating a roast dinner. Something I definitely want to make the effort to do more often!

MORE SPRING WALKS:

I don't think these photos really need any text, I'm just so obsessed with this time of year, photography wise. I've never really noticed how pretty everything is during Spring, before this year. I think the fact I now have Theo to walk, definitely makes me appreciate the finer details of the outdoors more. Every flower, tree, or pretty scenery I see I instantly snap it, without really thinking about the composure or lighting etc. (Here are the good ones).

FOOD & BEVS:

Ah Food and Drink, how you are such a staple of my free time. The above photo was at Zizzi's with my step sister. Every time we meet we are ALWAYS, ALWAYS hungry.. I mean she has an excuse, shes eating for two.. I do not. ALAS, this was a calzone with dairy free cheese - don't mind if I dewww. Below was ANOTHER bank holiday Monday a couple weeks back (can I just say how much I'm loving all these bank holidays, popping up all at once). We went to the Golden Heart and enjoyed a cider & some pub grub (while escaping the most HORRENDOUS weather bipolar I think I've witnessed this year).

PLAYTIME:

I don't think I will ever tire of little tripz out with my friendlings. Even though we now have cars, jobs, and responsibilities, I still feel like giggling teenagers whenever we do such activities. Whether it be somewhere more far fetched, or just our local town center. I just love the freedom of grabbing an over priced beverage and bundling into each other while we walk, giggling about the night before. As most people who know me, Clifton is one of my FAVE places to hang on a sunny afternoon, or wonder round in a hungover daze. (See photos above). I couldn't resist asking Christina for an 'OOTD' in front of this very bright and bold graffiti we came across. I feel like I haven't done outfit posts in LITERALLY years, (maybe because I haven't), but its definitely something I want to try and put more effort into again - considering the amount of clothes I have could open a small shop at this point, it might be nice to show them off once in a while...

FUR BABIES:

As always, but especially this month, I have been loving SO HARD on my little mol's (ani-mols). I don't really like to dip into it too much on my blog, because I want it to be a place I can reflect on over happy times and remember good memories, however my depression and anxiety have really fucked with me this month. Even saying 'my' before those two dreaded words makes me feel weird. Me? Depression and anxiety? surely not - (on top of all my other health problems, bladdy 'ell). However, I'm also not really scared to talk about it. This months seen me break down in work numerous times, countless doctor visits, questionnaires and referrals. All good things, in my mind. A step in the right direction. I honestly don't know how people live without pets of any kind. They literally feed my soul with all kinds of good vibes, happiness and hope. (ALSO AREN'T THEY JUST SO CUTE?!)  

POORLY SICK:

I've just about recovered from the dreaded Tonsillitis that seems to be doing the rounds at the moment. It was one of those illness' that seemed to brew so slowly for me. I was SO drained for around 2 weeks, (more drained than usual *rolls eyes x2*), achy and I kept getting numerous headaches (which is one thing I never get!), so I knew something was up, but kept trudging on. Alas, my body failed me at the beginning of May. Thank god for Penicillin and puppy cuddles!
I'm SoOoOo excited for the Month of May, again (like March' late blog post), I've done quite a bit already! Me and Christina are going to Budapest at the end of the month which I physically cannot wait for, I feel like its been forever and a day since I've escaped the streets of good old Bristol town.

I PROMISE TO MYSELF I'LL BE ON TIME NEXT MONTH!! 

Thanks for taking the time to read, 

Madi x