I HATE THE INTERNET

Okay well thats obviously a complete lie..

I don't think I really hate the internet. If anything, I love it - a love/hate relationship, you could say?
I was pondering on what to title this blog post, 'WHY I STOPPED BLOGGING', or the current..
Life has been crazy lately, or at least in my head it has. Does anybody else get that? When you actually stand back and look at life, you're still doing the same old things - driving to work and back, sleeping, eating, drinking - the usual. When for some reason, your head seems to think a mammoth of events are taking place, resulting in general exhaustion - mind, body and soul?
Don't get me wrong, it's recently been my 26th birthday (yup, hard pill to swallow), my dads got remarried, and I've been battling with the stupid negative voice inside my head, yet again.
*rolling eyes emoji*

Truth is, I really miss blogging. I miss it so much, I indulge in it literally every single free moment, of every day. Constantly scrolling through Instagram, religiously catching up on my favourite Youtubers/content creators. I am a woman obsessed, really. Sometimes I realise I give myself no extra time to actually do anything else..
Read? nope - have to watch so-and-so's latest Q&A. Whip up a nice meal? nope - must consistently scroll through Instagram incase I miss anything. Gosh, that all sounds very sad, doesn't it?
I'm pretty sure I've been addicted to the internet and general social media since I was around 11. The days of Habbo Hotel, Bebo, Myspace and not actually having a single care in the world other than if you had HC club that month. (aka the good old days, before quarter life crisis' began taking over my brain box).

So, why DID I stop blogging for so long? If it's something I enjoy so much?

I'M NOT GOOD ENOUGH  I'LL NEVER BE GOOD ENOUGH
I think everyone on the blogosphere gets this - or even on the internet in general. After all, I don't see people posting badly lit photos of their chipped nail polish, selfies after they've been crying, or a dirty dinner table with half eaten food. As much as I love writing and sharing content with the World Wide Web, I'm never really sure if what I'm doing is really worthy of.. anything? Especially when online content improves, expands, and exceeds expectations, on literally a minutely basis these days.

I went for a job interview in London recently, and after the interview was coming to a close, I gave the interviewee's the opportunity to ask me any other questions - The only question they had?
'Why didn't you stick to going freelance?'. (Remember that time when I really tried to push my Instagram? - setting up staged breakfast scenes of elegant looking pancakes, planned outfit photoshoots of me posing by a fruit market or flat lays of my most loved skincare - naturally with the added couple of cacti to make the cut.) My excuse? I didn't really have one, embarrassingly. Why haven't I ever stuck with trying to go freelance? I'm pretty sure there are people out there who are completely owning their content (and control of their rent money!), who popped up way more recently than 2009.

'DISCONNECTED' NETWORK
Okay so this is going to sound really pathetic. Alas, I don't actually really know that many bloggers online, let alone in real life. Trying to get popular/general interest from your immediate network of friends/family etc with your own blog is really damn difficult. Especially as you notice that it's sometimes the case that said immediate network, will rarely really even interact with your online content. I completely get it, not everyone understands the world of aspiring to an online business, or the importance of having an aesthetically pleasing/visually coherent 'grid'. In my case, I often feel like I'm getting rolling eyes, sighs, or just that I'm generally being a 'show off', because lets be honest - 'Can you take another photo of me?' can be interoperated in the wrong way when you've already asked 5 times..

As a fully fledged Leo (apart from the out going part, I've always disagreed with that - give me a hot chocolate and my bed with my duvet wrapped around me over a room of new faces any day). I've always strived from ego boosting, compliments and pep talks - much to the exhaustion of my friends/family (sorry about that). I've never been 'in it for the likes' or anything like that when it comes to the online world, I find that all a bit tiering. However, to be acknowledged and told what I'm posting is 'cool' or 'inspiring', always gives me a boost. So when I'm not getting that, I generally tend to think - 'Madi, nobody actually cares'.

IS THERE ANY POINT?
I often make the mistake of thinking, 'If my friends aren't reading this - who is?'. I get this crippling anxiety of people wrinkling their nose whenever I say I've posted a new blog post, or acquaintances tutting at yet another professional photo of me frolicking around in Clifton. When really, the reality is - anybody could be reading my blog. A girl all the way in Australia, the women who barely even flashes a smile at work, the guy who had a crush on me in 2008, a potential employer, or heaven forbid - not just one, but a couple of ex's. (Sometimes that thought does humour me - my first love from 2009, reading about some soup I've made on the weekend, or the latest eye cream you 'just have to have', lol.)

There is so so much I want to write about, I even have a pretty hefty list in my notes on my phone, (thoughts that usually tend to come to me during my drive to work at 5.30am, strangely). I (and you, if you're struggling with posting content again), need to realise -
If I want to write about my new favourite shoes that I know a friend would hate - I can.
If I want to write about dating, despite my ex reading - I can.
If I want to post a load of posed photos of me in an outfit that made me feel good - I can.
For some reason my general mind set towards blogging over the past few months has been consistently negative.

'Can't do that, it'll be shit' - 'Can't say that, he/she will get offended' - 'Better not write about that, they'll think I'm full of it'.

Sometimes in life you just need to realise that everyone will judge you. No matter how hard you try, not everyone will like you - like what you write, like how you look, or just generally not like you?! (I experienced this this year, for the first time in my life - an expression of dislike towards me, for what? I'm still yet to find out, lollll). Thing is, in reality, when it comes to online content especially - if you really want to achieve something, you can! If Amy from Swansea can post about her new eyebrow routine or write about the highs and lows of Tinder and get paid for it, so can you.

I'm done with cooonstantly comparing myself to other bloggers/content creators (you know the ones - with the most perfectly sculpted bodies/faces, photographer boyfriends, most immaculate style and perfect Lightroom preset). Despite blogging since I was around 14/15, I need to remember that if I want to become serious at this whole blogging malarkey, I need to do it because I want to - not just for some glossy/fake photos that present a completely fake persona/lifestyle. My current followers/readers (hello!), follow me for me, because they relate to what I write, like my style, enjoy what I have to say on the interwebs or just generally enjoy a nosey (which is totally okay!)

I'm not promising 'blog posts every Wednesday' or anything like that, however I have a shit tonne of photos and recommendations for places I've visited this year! As well as some posts I'm excited to write about. Stay tuned! (I mean, if you like.. ;))

Thanks for reading!
Madi xo

BACK WHEN I WAS COOL

I was cruising the Interwebs the other day, as you do, when I decided to look at my old blog. The blog I started way back when in 2009, when I first found my, #passionforfashion. (For some reason, whenever I talk about Fashion, I just have to hashtag, 'Passion for Fashion', and every time I do, it reminds me of the Bratz dolls slogan, remember those?). One of my favourite style influencer back then (and still to this day), was Lily Melrose (plus a tonne of people from Tumblr or Lookbook.nu I embarrassingly, religiously, obsessed over - ). I remember checking Lily's blog every single day to check in on what garments she was showing off next.

There's something so satisfying about reading blog posts, don't you think? Especially when they're personal fashion and/or beauty ones. Having a nose into someone else's wardrobes or makeup bags just fascinates me. (Maybe I'm just nosey as fuk). Anyway, looking through my old photos got me thinking. I was so good at actually posting my outfit every day I had a day off work, and I had so much confidence in doing so. Whacking out all the different poses, not being afraid to show off my body shape or style etc, and doing it purely because I found it fun to shoot photos of myself with my £19.99 Argos tripod. I feel frustrated at myself sometimes at the fact I've just seemed to let it all slip over the past 4ish years. I feel there are probably a few people out there that feel the same as me about blogging. The ones that have been watching Youtubers grow since 2008, or the ones that have Tumblr accounts dating back to 2007, when they were just 'so emo'. The old school bloggers that have just seemed to have gotten lost in the overwhelming explosion of 'prettier' women, or 'more popular' content. I realise now its stupid of me to stop what I was doing, purely because I thought my style didn't fit with what people liked anymore.

                         

I think in recent years the Internet and social media has BLOWN. UP. All of a sudden people are making millions from their Youtube accounts or being interviewed by big brands because of their perfectly commercialised blog content, that everyone can't help but be interested in. There are girls that perfectly fit the 'Instagram girl' look and end up making money by promoting clothing brands and discount codes. To which I say - fair fucking play. If you've got the confidence and you've got the aesthetic to fit a trend everyones loving - go for it. It's just unfortunate for me that I ended up letting boys and boozing take up majority of my free time over the past few years, and letting the doubt I felt over people judging me or making fun of me, take over - thus losing touch with one of my favourite hobbies. I guess I'm kind of writing this post as a reminder to myself, 'you've done this all before'. Received emails from independent brands, shot and shared outfit posts, reviewed subscription boxes, received emails and comments with compliments and encouragement, tested out makeup products, met up with people from the internet I've never met. I feel as though I'm ready to jump back on the blogging band wagon and actually produce content I've always wanted to again. It may not mean I have a photographer boyfriend to take snazzy photos of me, a fancy flat in London, or expensive technical equipment - but why not carry on what I started, when it was something I enjoyed so much.

Its funny how I feel as though I was more confident in myself when I was 14-18, the ages where you're stereotypically supposed to feel the most self conscious?! I feel as though my 20's have been my most anxiety filled, doubtful and confusing years of my life so far. Now more than ever, I've lost where I fit, or what my style even is, or which direction I'm taking in life. (Read my blog post of being a confused 20-something here).  I always remember feeling so cool, strolling down the street in my unique vintage finds, or wearing my expensive new blusher that I was sent in a Glossy Box. I found an awesome post from Jemma Wade where she talks about 'grabbing life by the balls', and doing what you want in life, not being afraid to try out loads of different hobbies/interests/careers, and not always conforming to what society tells us to do. Her words were as if she was reading my brains daily thoughts! Anyway, what I think I'm trying to say is, never be afraid to do you. I always feel when I wear something new I've bought, or post a new blog post, or make certain life choices, I'll in some way or another, receive negative feedback or a bad reaction from people - but why should I care? I've learnt over time that anyone who makes me feel insignificant or embarrassed over things I chose to wear, interests I have, friends I hang around with or music I listen to - say goodbye. Life's way, way too short to have people in your life that don't make you feel good about yourself. Am I right or am I right?

PS can we just take a moment for my eyebrows circa 2009-2013? oh my. 

Thanks for reading, as always

Heres to doing you & being the best #girlboss or #boyboss you can be.

Madi x