2018 & BEING TRUE TO MYSELF

Okay, here goes, my first blog post of 2018. First of all it absolutely blows my mind completely that it is now 2018, I still remember to this day gathering around my grandad's TV and jumping up and down when the clock struck midnight for 2000...

I really do have such a mixed review on 2017. I feel like there were some massive highs but also massive lows, and not much in between. I've felt SO much pressure this year in relation to where I should be in my life at the age of 25, and to be honest maybe its the brick wall I've come to thats making me progressively anxious and low... However, I did tell myself at the beginning of 2017 that I wanted to travel to as many places as I could during all my annual leave breaks from work. Safe to say I achieved that! I also said I wanted to experience working in London - which I also did! (yay life achievements). Anyway, I felt like having a little blab this evening about my direction for 2018, so here goes!

WHATS THE POINT IN BEING UNHAPPY?
For many many months over the past couple of years I have repeated the phrase in my head, as well as out loud, 'whats the point?'. Whether this has stemmed from my lack of progression in my career/love life, or my general negative surroundings at home etc. I just genuinely got to a point where I thought, whats the point in even smiling anymore, let alone to carry on with this huge thing we call life? (sounds so OTT right? yet genuinely how I've felt for so so long)

However, when I was handed the prescription for a strong anti depression/anxiety drug this week, I thought.. wait, 'Whats actually the point in being unhappy?'. Whats the point in me taking these tablets to dull a feeling, emotion, or in worst case - lifestyle, that I can at least try to change, by training my own brain. TRUST ME, I know what its like to have a fight with your own mind on a daily, hourly, minutely(?), basis. I remember thinking when I was around 5/6 that I must have a much chattier brain than everyone else, because mine spoke to me so much all the damn time. Which now kinda makes sense, considering I'm one of the most sensitive, emotional, compassionate & anxious souls.

Learning about yourself is weird. I've personally realised that being unhappy, moaning about everything and being down in the dumps about what I don't have or haven't done etc, takes a tonne more energy than it does to just be. My nan tells me 'If you don't know what to do, do nothing', which personally completely freaks me out. Do nothing? What do you mean?! Sit down and actually read a book for an hour? Sit down and blog for an hour? but thats a waste of time, I could be doing this this and this, or walking the dog, or having a bath, or going to the gym or or or or or... and so it goes on.
I overthink so much, yet ironically, end up doing nothing. So tell me, whats actually the point in the over thinking part? the talking down to yourself part? the thinking you're not good enough part?

I've decided that this year, instead of going down a path of counselling and/or medication, I'm going to try and train my own mind to think in a different way. I guess my own form of meditation? I've always been the type of person to think 'what a load of bollocks', when it comes to things like yoga or meditation, but actually, when I give it a chance, instead of judging it, it's kind of easing my thoughts a little. Instead of opening my eyes in the morning and feeling my heart race at the thought of my day, I simply just picture the warm shower I'm about to get it, the nice face wash I get to smell to wake myself up. Literally taking my day step by step. Sounds crazy right? but its working.

REMEMBER YOUR WORTH
I'll tell you now honey, nothing will kill soul you more than putting yourself in a position that makes you feel like an idiot. Whether it be sticking in a friendship/relationship with someone whose done you wrong or trying to be someone you're not. Remember what you're about - I know I have a genuine heart and good intentions. I'm generally an all round nice person and I need to remember not to change that for anyone. I've learnt that I could never lower my personality to fit in with a certain friendship group, career path, or lifestyle, just like I will never let go of what I know I deserve as a person. What I'm trying to say here is, (the classic line), 'there is only one of you', but its true! You are precious, treat yourself as such. It helps your mental health, trust me.

NEVER GIVE UP ON YOUR DREAMS *cliche but true*
Okay so if I'm being completely and utterly honest, my dream would be this:

• Live in a country house big enough for my two dogs, a sausage dog, a miniature poodle, and my two siamese cats. (Obviously a hunk of a husband would be nice, (as long as he's not too annoying) & maybe a couple of kids)
• Have a Range Rover Evoque (completely black all over), have my own business (doing what, I dunno yet), but all the while, living my best life, you know?

OH and a holiday home in maybe three or four destinations?
But seriously.. being realistic I will always, ALWAYS, have in mind these three things:

HAPPINESS - 

I can whole heartedly say my happiness has been robbed of me over the past 2 years. (I mean how dare it?). I almost don't even really know what happiness feels like anymore. I always think about this little old man at work, who can just about still walk. How can he be so happy every single day? He spends his time filling up hanger rails and pushing around cages, all the while singing and whistling to himself. He is always so cheery and smiley and I am so jealous!! How does he do that?!  I really struggle with monotonous routine, and for once I feel like its something I shouldn't be ashamed of anymore. I've always thought that you were just meant to have a strict routine of going to work every day, eat the same lunches, see the same people, talk about the same shit day in day out, and to be honest I think its what's driven me insane. My main goal for 2018 is to find some form of happiness, within myself. Not in a boyfriend, a job, a passion or a hobby, but in myself. I've kind of lost myself as of late and I'm finally excited for 2018, to give me a chance of new ideas and inspiration for my future.

LOVE - 

"LOVE IS LIKE OXYGEN, 

LOVE IS A MANY, SPLENDID THING,

LOVE, LIFTS US UP WHERE WE BELONG,

ALL YOU NEED IS LOVE" 

(cheeky Moulin Rouge quote for you there). 

In all seriousness, I've realised love is so so important to me. I love hard. Truly, madly, deeply, if you will, (vom). I don't need love to survive, but when I do have it in my life (I'm talking in a romantic way here), I need it in the right way. I basically realise that I would be the shittest gold digger ever. You could give me all the shopping money in the world, my favourite car, a beautiful flat and a new pair of black boots every single week, but if I don't feel that warm, fuzzy, stupid, excessive, over the top, crazy passion from someone in return for my heart (and yes, it does exist), I can't do it. Its all or nothing for me baby. I'll never understand those couples that can go on an evening out and just stare at their phones, or come home from a day at work or a week away and not be welcomed and celebrated home. It just blows my mind. I'd rather snuggle together in a cardboard box than live in a mansion being ignored, you get what I'm trying to say here?

HEALTH - 

My health being at 80-100%, is the dream. It's very precious to me, I know what its like to have it taken away for months at a time and I'll tell you one thing, it ain't nice and it ain't pretty. Even on my lowest of days I count my lucky stars that my general health has been decent for the past 6 months. I also try to remind myself most days that I can see, hear, walk, talk, breathe, like.... how lucky am I?

I'm still not really sure what my #goals are for 2018 yet, and to be honest, I'm a little bored of reading the 392589 '2018 GOALZZZ' blog posts I've been reading through the month of January, so I'l spare you that. I'm not really sure the point of this post actually is, maybe just to remind myself, and you, that you are bad ass and you can do anything. Whether that be training your brain to tell you you'll be okay if you get out of bed that day, or doing a sky dive - your choice. Whatever you chose to be happy, whether it be big or small, celebrate it. Any victory is a step in the right direction hey! :)

PS if you're interested in my outift:

Jacket - Primark

Jumper - Primark

Trousers - Zara

Shoes - Reebok

Necklace - Topshop (old)

Thanks for reading!
Madi x

AUTUMN ANXIETY

Its been so long since I've sat down and typed at my laptop, I'm not even sure how to start a blog post any more, let alone write one! I'm literally just going to sit here with no plans, no bullet points, no structure, just type my mind (so sorry if its a bit of a mish mash of rambles).

So, Autumn, most peoples favourite time of year. Where everyone goes into a knitwear frenzy, everything suddenly becomes pumpkin spice flavoured and if you don't have a photo of some form of autumn leaf or carved pumpkin on your Instagram, you can't possibly love Autumn as much as the next person. I'm usually in a state of content this time of year, where my working days seem short (due to the first couple hours being before the sunrise), and the hours I spend snuggled in my dressing gown with Theo, or curled around an endless stream of Youtube videos from my phone while wrapped up in bed, seem to have not much of a limit. This is my happy place. Or so it was.

This year for the first time ever I'm left with my own thoughts. A lot. So the time I spend alone in my room or snuggling my dog aren't quite as sacred as they were before. They've become the norm, which means instead of feeling content and happy, I just feel lonely and exhausted by the thoughts constantly circling my head. For me the main reason for that is this - I am single. It's never really hit me before, that feeling of being truly alone. Where you could look at your phone after a couple hours and there be nothing there to read or respond to, you have no bags to pack for an overnight stay or nobody to wait for to meet after work. I've been in very serious relationships over my entire teen/young adult life, so for me, without having someone intertwined in my life, is a very strange, elating but also a completely empty feeling.

It's only this Autumn where I have truly realised what it must've been like for all my family and friends the past decade. I was the girl who always gave all of her time to her boyfriend. I was the girl who sacrificed rest and alone time for a boyfriend. And I was the girl that didn't give a second thought to how my friends would feel when I would cancel plans last minute because my boyfriends plans had changed. I am the girl who prefers one on one male company to any other company, and this year for the first time ever, I've experienced what it feels like to be on the other end of that, and to be honest, I'm glad. I think its the smack in the face I've been needing to make me not only truly appreciate time with my friends, to make time for them and make them feel valued in my life, but also value the time with any future relationships I may have. Its this year that my head has actually come out of the sand and realised all the cool things my friends have done while I've been spending all my time and energy in relationships.

Which leads me to thinking about myself and my life from now on. This year - this Autumn so far, has been a strange one. I've never ever felt more low, and I've never ever felt more disheartened and disappointed in myself, for wasting so much time on toxic relationships, that I now realise I was only holding on to (despite them making me deeply unhappy), to avoid this very feeling. I was using relationships to make me feel valued and worthy. I was using relationships to make me feel wanted, attractive and not alone. I realise now without that constant attention/distraction I'm desperately unhappy with myself.

ALAS, heres to happy changes. I'm not the type of person to dwell for too long and I hate moaning/people who moan too much. I'm constantly trying my very best to pick myself back up from low points and push myself for the next challenge, which is exactly what I'm about to do. 0 boyfriends in tow. Next week I set off to London, for a two week placement at John Lewis's head office in the Communications department. Even typing that makes me feel weird. I am quite frankly, pretty petrified. Right now I'm thinking about if my coach will get from Bristol to London ok, let alone getting up on time, getting ready, catching the tube, finding somewhere to eat lunch, navigating my way around London etc. I just know once I get there I'll think 'why did I worry about this so much', but for now I'm all kinds of nervous/excited. All my friends, ex boyfriends, and family, know that this whole working in London and putting my degree to use thing, is something I've always wanted to do, and to be honest, this time last year theres no way I'd have the balls to even enquire about such things. So, heres to Autumn 2017 - having the balls to try new things, nipping depression in the bud, valuing and giving time to myself and people who actually care about me over anybody else, and recognising my personal achievements, no matter how small.

PS this is the first outfit post I've done in literally YEARS. I used to be so confident strutting my stuff in front of a camera (granted it was usually on a tripod in my bedroom), so it felt super weird for my slightly shy/awkward 2017 self to be photographed by the lovely Chloe (from Chloeharriets.com)

Jumper - Primark

Earings - Primark

Trousers - Primark

Bag - Primark

Boots - Topshop

Watch - Marc Jacobs

Lipstick - MAC - Stone

Thanks for reading and I hope you're enjoying the Autumn season as much as the rest of our generation seems to be this year! 

Madi x