25 THINGS I'VE LEARNT IN 25 YEARS

It's been a good 48 hours now since I turned the ripe old age of 25, so I feel nows a good time to reflect. (As apposed to on the day, when I had a mixture of feelings, from excitement to impending doom). Can I believe I'm now 25? No. Do I feel like an adult now? No. 25 is such a funny age. Quotes that seem to be associated with 25 are, 'All down hill from here', or, 'Not long till you're 30!', or my mum's favourite, 'isn't it about time you got your own flat? you're 25 now'. 

I always remember thinking when I was around 16, that 25 was SO. OLD. I had a few friends older than me and just remember thinking, 'I'm so glad I'm not that old yet'. I'm not really sure why, maybe because I've always had quite a young and carefree outlook on life, and now it seems I actually have to get my butt in gear when it comes to 'growing up', and life in general. 

I was looking through my baby photos the other day and it just gave me the idea for this post. Its actually hilarious how demanding and spoilt I was. (You'll see in photos to come). I guess that's what came along with not only being an only child for 10 years, but also being the absolute apple of my parents eyes, considering it took them 7 years for me to even arrive on planet earth. 25 has been, without a doubt, my biggest year yet for self reflection. 

16-18, everything was exciting, there was not much time to worry about anything really. Personality traits and looks were manipulated, shaped, and admired by different friendship groups or boys that wanted your attention, and most trail of thought went into what you were wearing that weekend. I feel as though I had my most friends and most male attention during this time, and I was without a doubt at my most outgoing. 

18-22 was the time my eyes were opened to different romantic relationships, different life experiences, working, learning and socialising all at once, travelling without parents, and achieving things like learning to drive and gaining my degree. 

22-25 has been weird for me. Its as if there has been a huge anti climax. Now that uni is over, I'm settled in a full time job, I've had the same friends for a couple of years, I'm still living at home & I'm single.. life is just.. still? It's as if I've been given the time to look at my life in every single aspect. My personality traits, my looks, my interests, my style, my sexuality, my friends, my aspirations. The list goes on. 

So, I thought I'd write a little list about 25 things I've learnt in 25 years, (and show you some pretty hilarious photos along the way). 

1. Travelling actually feeds my soul. I don't care how cliche that sounds, its true. Every time I travel to a new place, I get a rush of inspiration, a warm and fuzzy feeling inside, and a general buzz from seeing sites I've never seen before. 

2. I will never be a naturally tidy person. I've spend a good 4-5 years now of trying to maintain some kind of order in my room/car/bathroom, and naturally trying to acquire OCD. It never happens. I'll put it down to creativity...

3. Saving money is some of the best life advice I can give. Don't get me wrong, I'm not able to save much AT ALL, but when I do its great to be able to book holidays, buy something you've wanted for ages, and not to mention, get you out of shit when your car goes wrong. 

4. I WILL be late if I don't set at least 4 alarms..

5. House parties are some of the best times you'll have in your life. Appreciate the fact you don't yet have an ID if you're under the age of 16. Sometimes running round your garden and jumping on the trampoline at 3am is 100% better than someone spilling tequila shots down your top at a busy bar. 

6. If you want something in life, you really do have to work for it. I've learnt nothing comes for free. 

If you want a certain job, you have to aspire to and work for it, not just temporarily, but always.

If you want love, you have to first learn to relentlessly work on and love yourself.

Nothing is impossibly, 'you are your only limit', and all that shiii'. 

7. Nothing gives me a bigger sense of achievement than learning something new.  

8. Even though I'm usually seen to wear a lot, I love wearing no makeup. The feeling of loads of product on my face kind of makes me feel a bit sick, and most of the time I can't wait to wash it off. 

9. Put me in a tent for the night, drunk or not, and I will become a ball of anger, rage, and will cry at least once.

10. Being demanding, spoilt or egotistical gets you nowhere. You actually end up looking like a massive bellend and life will always bite you in the ass in return, in one way or another. #behumble (#sitdown). 

11. The feeling of knowing you're completely self sufficient is the best ever. I've spent years in different relationships who have all completely wiped my ass for me, and on the flip side I've experienced men making me feel guilty for not paying for my own meal, or calling me 'princessy' for expecting basic chivalry. I think the term in return to that would be, 'stuff your money, up your ass hole'. I have my own, thanks. 

12. Learn to know what you want from life, and what you don't. Whether its someone who doesn't treat you right, you're not on the salary you want, or something doesn't set your soul on fire.

Never, settle for less than what you want. 

13. Don't be afraid of being authoritative and a little bit bossy. I've learnt that it's really important to let people know, that although I'm a petite 5"3 girl, I know what I want, and I know how important it can be to say no.  

14. People will ALWAYS talk about you. Unless you live under an actual rock, or you have no interaction with anyone other than yourself, you'll always get people talking about you. Good, bad, or bitchy. The best thing I've learnt is to acknowledge it, appreciate it, laugh at it, and let it go - pronto. 

15. Always be true to yourself. Stop hanging out with friends that make you feel shitty, quit putting energy into relationships that don't make you grow, wear the lipstick colour you want, eat the food you want, stop if you want to take a photo, don't follow the crowd, don't kiss boys you don't want to and stop spending money on things you don't want to do. 

 16. Accept that things don't always go your way. I've come from an up bringing where my shit don't stink and whatever I want, I can have (see photos above). However, I've learnt to accept that things take time to achieve, so not to be disappointed if you don't get the job you really want first time around, or appreciate the fact it takes time to build up a profession or to become good at a hobby you have.

17. As much as you think you need multiple lipsticks of the same colour/shade. You don't.

18. Investing time in yourself is time well spent. This year I've really invested time and money into my love for photography, blogging, and travel. I'm slowly learning to spend time on myself as apposed to using other people to find my happiness and self worth.

19. Trying to acknowledge and get through my health problems has been one of my toughest downfalls in the past couple years. Once I'm ill I crash and burn, and once I'm well I burn the candle at both ends in fear of getting ill again. I'm the worst at accepting theres anything wrong with me, sometimes its good to just accept the bad times and just ride it out. 'This too, shall pass' is maybe one of the most relevant quotes to my life.

20. Never be made to feel you're asking too much. I always have and always will, like nice things. I like beautiful places, I like expensive food and I like quality clothing. In the past I've been made to feel I'm too 'snobby' and should settle for less. Nuh uh. (Ref. point 12)

21. Never underestimate the power of animals to lift your mood. If you're ever feeling sad, go to your local petting farm and feed some goats, or pet some bunnies. If you have friends with a dog, take it for a walk. If you love cats, pet one any time you can.

22. I'm pretty much 100% in line with every single star sign reading I've ever read, its creepy. I am 100% Leo and I'm pretty sure it's obvious to anyone whose met me.

23. Accept that its ok to be an emotional, arty farty, expressive human. I've spent years holding in feelings, interests, and thoughts, when it comes to how I am as a person, in fear of judgment. Theres not much that makes me feel happier than typing up blog posts, taking photos, doing someones makeup, going to independent art exhibitions, aimlessly wondering new cities and listening to music I like. I'm done with feeling embarrassed about all of the above!

24. Constantly make memories. I am in constant ore of reminiscing over things I've done, and I still fantasise about what I would do if I had the time/effort to scrapbook.

25. Love as hard as you can. In recent years I've been made to feel like my love has been wasted, or I give away too much. I've had moments where I've felt my obsession with a person or my admiration towards someones personality/brain is too much or I'm being over whelming. However, I know what it feels like to get that love in return, and with the right person you should never have to change the way you love. I know I never will, thats for sure.

Phew! 

Well done if you got through that job lot. 

Heres to continuing to learn, grow and be the happiest I can be in years to come. 

Thanks for reading, as always!

Madi x

LIVING WITH AN AUTO-IMMUNE DISORDER

The past 10ish days have been tough. Writing this post, will inevitably be tough. Having to take strong medication to suppress my immune system every day, is something I never thought would be a part of my daily routine. You might be questioning, why am I writing about a health problem, on my Fashion and Lifestyle blog? but, the truth is, this is a part of my life, and a massive part at that. I find something so comforting in the fact that people are so passionate about writing about mental health on the internet now a days, however, I find it quite rare to come across people talking about physical health problems. I mean, at the end of the day, nobody wants to admit they have any kind of problem, or flaunt that their lives are anything other than perfect on social media. However, I'm hoping by sharing my experiences and the way I feel, will help people understand and/or relate to me, and why I seem to deteriorate in the way I do from time to time. 

Around two years ago now, I was hospitalised for my atopic dermatitis. Hospitalised? for eczema? Thats what I thought when I was lying head to toe in bandages for 3 months, barely able to move. 

As a quick run down, I suffered from eczema from birth - to around 3 years old. After that I have no memory of ever having eczema, until it all began in 2010, when I remember having to borrow some of my ex's mum's aqueous cream for a persistent irritation in the creases of my arms. Fast forward over the course of 5/6 years, I was introduced to cream after cream, steroid after steroid, until I got to the point where I was head to toe (and I mean head to toe), in aggressive, stubborn, skin rashes. 2015 enough was enough. I was slathering all these toxic potions and lotions all over me every. single. day, that seemed to make my skin ok for a day or two, but in the long run were making me worse as apposed to better. I decided to stop the steroids. (You can read about other people who do this for a hope of relief, here) Three months after stopping steroids, my body became in, what I can only describe as, 'melt down mode' and I was hospitalised for a week to get rid of any infections and start a course of strong Immuno Suppressant drugs. 

PHYSICALLY

To my knowledge, my immune system doesn't work properly, and the way in which it effects me, is my skin. I don't just mean a small patch on the backs of my knees or the creases of my elbows. I mean everywhere. My neck, shoulders, forearms, arm pit creases, back, torso, bum, hips, thighs, legs, knees - everywhere. Some days, I can cry while putting on leggings, or trying to paint my toe nails, because my entire thigh/backs of my knees are so inflamed, the only comfortable way to be, is led in bed. Some days I have to lie in bed in a certain position, and can't even bring my phone to my face because it stings every inch of my arms/shoulders too much to do so. When my skin is bad, I feel suffocated in my own body, sometimes even the air can hurt me, and I can merely just stare at the patterns in the ceiling to distract myself from the sting/itch/burn that my body seems to create for a reason unknown to myself, (and what feels like most consultants/doctors). The skin is the biggest organ your body maintains, and mines dysfunctional and constantly attacking itself. This means I'm pretty exhausted every day, I usually take a 2 hour nap after work, followed by an 8-10 hour sleep over night. Sometimes my neck will be so flared I can't drive, because I can't move to maneuver or see across junctions etc. I sometimes itch so deeply, it feels as though a thousand insects and wasps are under my skin and sometimes when I shower, the water on my skin can feel like acid, and even when I put clothes on, I can feel the fibres irritating me almost immediately. 

MENTALLY

Perhaps now, more than ever, my condition has a huge effect on my mental health. I have had bouts of carefree skin in the past 2 years. My medication has worked perfectly and for some reason my skin has decided to give me a break for up to 6 months at a time. However, this is what makes the relapse even worse. I know what it feels like to have good skin. I know how it feels, to be able to go out all the time, socialize every night, eat and drink what I want, and work full time, without feeling exhausted and run down. Whenever my skin is bad, I feel my entire being/soul/existence leaves my body. I'm not me anymore. The me when my skin is bad is a weak, lonely, suicidal, distant, angry, and so deeply sad. I feel as though I will never be normal, or like my peers, or able to enjoy/fore fill a normal life. I am a very ambitious, striving and determined little person, but when my illness strikes in the way it does I feel insignificant and hopeless. Getting showered and dressed every day is a challenge in itself. I have to make sure the shower is the right temperature, brace myself for the sting, make sure that the towel is clean, that I have enough of my cleanser to wash with, that I have the right makeup to cover up my red face/neck, that I have clean, light, cotton clothes to wear and I have enough time before I leave the house, to allow my skin to cool down and to be a little less red. This routine is as exhausting as it sounds. Mentally and physically. Watching my friends and family whack on their shorts on a summers day or a strappy backless top on a night out, silently frustrates me no end. Why can't I do that? Why do I always have to cover up, wear long sleeves and trousers so nobodies distracted by my sometimes shockingly pink skin. Sometimes I feel as though watching the world go by from my bed, is the only way I'll ever be. I'm always going to suffer and I'm never going to find a solution. Its super hard when friends/family/past boyfriends are constantly telling me, 'just don't think about it and carry on with life', which for the most part, I try my damn hardest to do so, however, tell me, if you had fallen in stinging nettles - naked, got sunburnt, and then had ants crawling all over you, you could forget about it? because realistically, thats how I can describe it feeling. 

EMOTIONALLY

Draining. I'm pretty sure thats the only word that could fit along side 'emotionally', when it comes to my condition. Its hard having to let down friends, colleagues, family, and myself, on what feels like a constant basis. Especially when its not something like the flu or a bad stomach, something relatable that people can understand. I don't want to have to miss out on friends birthdays, I don't want to turn down going out to lunch or meeting up, and I don't want to have to reduce my hours at work - which is why I usually push myself to my very last legs. I've turned up to work, nights out, dates, to meet friends, take the dog out etc, with puffy eyes, a deeply sore and red neck (somewhere that often shows), and a body thats covered in ugly eczema, for months on end now. Pushing and pushing to force myself into a normal lifestyle. I cry every single day when I've reached my limit. I feel like I'm at a battle with myself, as well as the world around me.  It truly, 101%, sucks. I know there are worse things in the world, and as a sensitive person I have a very heavy heart, which lands me finding world trauma's/events very overwhelming as well! However, when I feel so hopeless, theres nothing I can do but feel deeply sad at the predicament I find myself in. 

THANK GOD FOR GOOD SUPPORT

I'm so super lucky in the respect that I have an amazing doctor, help on hand at home, an amazing boss at work and thoughtful friends, they just seem to have the best responses when I'm having such a shitty time. It amazes me how many offers I get for people to come and visit me, or buy me presents or flowers to cheer me up. (You're all so special to me!! It's true). 

At the moment I'm in a place where I feel pretty anxious to participate in normal activity's, like go outside, see my friends, go to social events, or even shower most days incase of it triggering a flare. 

This week I go back to my dermatologist for the second time in 5 days, to find out results of blood tests and to potentially change my medication to get me back on track. I'm also putting loads of my brain power into my blog at the moment to keep me focused/busy. I do have hope, although its been the hardest thing to feel these past few months. 'Hope'. I didn't write this post for any attention, and I'm sorry if this was difficult or a bit (very) depressing for your Sunday evening read, but I just wanted to get my voice heard at a time where I feel very isolated and alone with my condition. If you do have any questions or want to talk to me about anything I've talked about, do pop me a message!

madeleiinegraceblogs@gmail.com,

Heres to a more cheery blog post next time around! 

Thanks for reading as always, 

Madi x