I HATE THE INTERNET

Okay well thats obviously a complete lie..

I don't think I really hate the internet. If anything, I love it - a love/hate relationship, you could say?
I was pondering on what to title this blog post, 'WHY I STOPPED BLOGGING', or the current..
Life has been crazy lately, or at least in my head it has. Does anybody else get that? When you actually stand back and look at life, you're still doing the same old things - driving to work and back, sleeping, eating, drinking - the usual. When for some reason, your head seems to think a mammoth of events are taking place, resulting in general exhaustion - mind, body and soul?
Don't get me wrong, it's recently been my 26th birthday (yup, hard pill to swallow), my dads got remarried, and I've been battling with the stupid negative voice inside my head, yet again.
*rolling eyes emoji*

Truth is, I really miss blogging. I miss it so much, I indulge in it literally every single free moment, of every day. Constantly scrolling through Instagram, religiously catching up on my favourite Youtubers/content creators. I am a woman obsessed, really. Sometimes I realise I give myself no extra time to actually do anything else..
Read? nope - have to watch so-and-so's latest Q&A. Whip up a nice meal? nope - must consistently scroll through Instagram incase I miss anything. Gosh, that all sounds very sad, doesn't it?
I'm pretty sure I've been addicted to the internet and general social media since I was around 11. The days of Habbo Hotel, Bebo, Myspace and not actually having a single care in the world other than if you had HC club that month. (aka the good old days, before quarter life crisis' began taking over my brain box).

So, why DID I stop blogging for so long? If it's something I enjoy so much?

I'M NOT GOOD ENOUGH  I'LL NEVER BE GOOD ENOUGH
I think everyone on the blogosphere gets this - or even on the internet in general. After all, I don't see people posting badly lit photos of their chipped nail polish, selfies after they've been crying, or a dirty dinner table with half eaten food. As much as I love writing and sharing content with the World Wide Web, I'm never really sure if what I'm doing is really worthy of.. anything? Especially when online content improves, expands, and exceeds expectations, on literally a minutely basis these days.

I went for a job interview in London recently, and after the interview was coming to a close, I gave the interviewee's the opportunity to ask me any other questions - The only question they had?
'Why didn't you stick to going freelance?'. (Remember that time when I really tried to push my Instagram? - setting up staged breakfast scenes of elegant looking pancakes, planned outfit photoshoots of me posing by a fruit market or flat lays of my most loved skincare - naturally with the added couple of cacti to make the cut.) My excuse? I didn't really have one, embarrassingly. Why haven't I ever stuck with trying to go freelance? I'm pretty sure there are people out there who are completely owning their content (and control of their rent money!), who popped up way more recently than 2009.

'DISCONNECTED' NETWORK
Okay so this is going to sound really pathetic. Alas, I don't actually really know that many bloggers online, let alone in real life. Trying to get popular/general interest from your immediate network of friends/family etc with your own blog is really damn difficult. Especially as you notice that it's sometimes the case that said immediate network, will rarely really even interact with your online content. I completely get it, not everyone understands the world of aspiring to an online business, or the importance of having an aesthetically pleasing/visually coherent 'grid'. In my case, I often feel like I'm getting rolling eyes, sighs, or just that I'm generally being a 'show off', because lets be honest - 'Can you take another photo of me?' can be interoperated in the wrong way when you've already asked 5 times..

As a fully fledged Leo (apart from the out going part, I've always disagreed with that - give me a hot chocolate and my bed with my duvet wrapped around me over a room of new faces any day). I've always strived from ego boosting, compliments and pep talks - much to the exhaustion of my friends/family (sorry about that). I've never been 'in it for the likes' or anything like that when it comes to the online world, I find that all a bit tiering. However, to be acknowledged and told what I'm posting is 'cool' or 'inspiring', always gives me a boost. So when I'm not getting that, I generally tend to think - 'Madi, nobody actually cares'.

IS THERE ANY POINT?
I often make the mistake of thinking, 'If my friends aren't reading this - who is?'. I get this crippling anxiety of people wrinkling their nose whenever I say I've posted a new blog post, or acquaintances tutting at yet another professional photo of me frolicking around in Clifton. When really, the reality is - anybody could be reading my blog. A girl all the way in Australia, the women who barely even flashes a smile at work, the guy who had a crush on me in 2008, a potential employer, or heaven forbid - not just one, but a couple of ex's. (Sometimes that thought does humour me - my first love from 2009, reading about some soup I've made on the weekend, or the latest eye cream you 'just have to have', lol.)

There is so so much I want to write about, I even have a pretty hefty list in my notes on my phone, (thoughts that usually tend to come to me during my drive to work at 5.30am, strangely). I (and you, if you're struggling with posting content again), need to realise -
If I want to write about my new favourite shoes that I know a friend would hate - I can.
If I want to write about dating, despite my ex reading - I can.
If I want to post a load of posed photos of me in an outfit that made me feel good - I can.
For some reason my general mind set towards blogging over the past few months has been consistently negative.

'Can't do that, it'll be shit' - 'Can't say that, he/she will get offended' - 'Better not write about that, they'll think I'm full of it'.

Sometimes in life you just need to realise that everyone will judge you. No matter how hard you try, not everyone will like you - like what you write, like how you look, or just generally not like you?! (I experienced this this year, for the first time in my life - an expression of dislike towards me, for what? I'm still yet to find out, lollll). Thing is, in reality, when it comes to online content especially - if you really want to achieve something, you can! If Amy from Swansea can post about her new eyebrow routine or write about the highs and lows of Tinder and get paid for it, so can you.

I'm done with cooonstantly comparing myself to other bloggers/content creators (you know the ones - with the most perfectly sculpted bodies/faces, photographer boyfriends, most immaculate style and perfect Lightroom preset). Despite blogging since I was around 14/15, I need to remember that if I want to become serious at this whole blogging malarkey, I need to do it because I want to - not just for some glossy/fake photos that present a completely fake persona/lifestyle. My current followers/readers (hello!), follow me for me, because they relate to what I write, like my style, enjoy what I have to say on the interwebs or just generally enjoy a nosey (which is totally okay!)

I'm not promising 'blog posts every Wednesday' or anything like that, however I have a shit tonne of photos and recommendations for places I've visited this year! As well as some posts I'm excited to write about. Stay tuned! (I mean, if you like.. ;))

Thanks for reading!
Madi xo

15 PERSONAL GET TO KNOW ME QUESTIONS

Ok so I'm getting frustrated. I'm also relating a lot to Alice, over at THE ALICE EDIT, what with her recently carried out knee operation and being house bound. There are SO many blog posts I have lined up that I want to write, I just don't have the photos to go with them! If you haven't guessed already, and without sounding too self obsessed here, the photos I have planned would be of me, or include me. After all this is my personal blog, so it would be nice if I could make it more personal in the way of creative self portraits/photography and of course outfit posts etc. 

Anyway, I thought I'd do a personal question tag, (the more personal, the more juicy, right?). I've seen things like this floating around on the Blogosphere for a while now so thought I'd give it a go - plus I don't really have too much else to write about for now, at least until I can get some photos done! (I started my new medication today, eee all fingers and toes crossed that it kicks in ASAP!). 

If you had my on Myspace, or even Facebook, way back when in 2007, you'll know I'm a big fan of a question tag ;) I can't promise this will be too interesting but I hope you are some what entertained anyway!

1. Where did you grow up? What was it like?

I was born and grew up in none other, than good old Bristol. I've always loved the city I live in. Growing up here was a whirlwind of excitement, drinking underage, and meeting tonnes of new people. Bristol is a good mix of professionalism and play & sophistication and creativity. I love the fact its big enough for plenty of adventure but small enough to feel safe.

2. Who do you admire the most right now?

Probably my friends. I look up to every single one of them. I always feel as though they are continuously achieving things and excelling in life. Also lots of other freelance bloggers/writers that I subtly envy, and people who have enough guts and passion to start up their own business'! 

3. How'd you meet your best friend?

We met at my first ever job, in a shop called Espirt. She was one of the only friendly faces that asked for my contact details and made me feel super welcome. It's crazy how close we are now considering we met in a work environment!

4. Whats the most important thing in your life right now?

Without a doubt, my physical and mental health. I'm hopefully on the road to recovery once more and its feeling good!

5. How do you express yourself romantically?

I like to describe myself as a slow burner, but once I'm a-light, boy do you know it. I take my time in finding out where my feelings are going with a person. If I like someone, they won't know it straight away. It takes me a good while to feel comfortable with showing my emotion and feelings. However, once I start to like someone, I involve myself in that person a lot. Maybe too much. 

6. What was your most embarrassing moment?

I'm sure there are a trillion that I can't remember but, I do specifically remember the one time one of my ex's announced to his whole family, that I'd been for a poo (I had), because I'd taken a long time in the bathroom. Cheers pal. More recently me and my friend were bidding farewell to some boys we met in a club, and they watched me fall down the stairs as they waved us off... yup. 

7. Whats your pet peev?

People who don't wear cycle helmets when they cycle on the road, or anywhere for that matter. People who tap. The general public. Late doctors appointments. Waiting for prescriptions. Out of date soya milk. When everyones eating cheese and I can't. Sweaty/clammy, naked cuddles. The feeling of being rained on. Bad weather on holiday. Uncomfy clothing... to name a few. 

8. What do you notice first in a person?

Probably their stature/general presence. Which sounds really weird, but I think I judge someone a lot by their body language - whether it be closed, open, slouched or proud. If they walk hunched or tall and if they make eye contact with me/attempt to make conversation or not. Aesthetic wise it's probably height & eyes in a man and makeup & skin on a woman (the things I would envy, lawl). 

9.  Whats a song that moved you to feel something?

Paolo Nutini - Loving You, reminds me of falling in love for the first time.

Maccabees - Toothpaste Kisses, reminds me of falling in lust for the first time.

Alt J - Every Other Freckle, reminds me of being in love.

Birdy - Light Me Up, reminds me of falling out of love and being interested in someone new.

Dua Lipa - New Rules, reminds me of 2016.

Naughty Boy - La La La, reminds me of the best Summer of my life so far (2013).

Of course there are a shit tonne more but, there ya go!

10. What random topic do you enjoy discussing?

Boys. No matter how much I try and detract myself away from the male species, they ALWAYS seem to crop up in topic of conversation. Whether it be memories or hes 'been a massive twat' or 'gave the best orgasm', there always seems to be something that provokes emotion and passion when it comes to boys. I think both me and my closest friends, can agree on the fact we just love talking about boys and their mystical, bellendish, wonderful ways. 

11. Whats your favourite thing to buy?

Well obviously that would without a doubt be food. A good Nando's or a tasty Waga's - you got me at 'Shall we get food?'. Second to that would probably be makeup or toiletries, I'm pretty sure Boots and Superdrug should know my name by now. 

12. What do you hope to grow out of?

I really hope to grow out of my lack of organisation and untidyness. I feel like I'm really good at initially organising myself, whether it be for a new job, a weekend away, making my room tidy, or even a night out. Yet I always end up in chaos. I seem to just lose all concept of keeping myself in check and remembering how maintaining organisation, will make the task in hand easier in the long run. (You should see my pants & socks drawers..)

13. What impression do you try to give when you first meet them?

What I try to give and what I actually portray seem to be pretty different. I think it also depends what mood I'm in. Sometimes I think I can appear pretty stand offish and shy/rude, not that I mean to be! Sometimes I'm shy and quiet Madi, and other times I'm loud, friendly, welcoming Madi. How comfortable I am in a situation usually determines which Madi I'll be that day/evening! Overall I'm a pretty friendly gal that will talk to anyone if I feel confident enough to do so. 

14. What are some things you'd like to achieve before you die?

I want to travel to as many places as possible. I don't mean travel with a backpack and see the world in a more rural and organic way (As much as I wish I could be that girl). More so that I want to have as many holidays as I can (heh). Ya girl can't deal with not having a wash or eating nice food for over 48 hours.  

15. Whats the best and worst part of your personality?

The best - I'm pretty loyal when it comes to friendships and relationships. If I'm in your life, I'm very much in your life. When I'm sad, I find I can always bring myself around in one way or another, sometimes it takes longer than others, but on the whole I'm pretty good at self healing. I like to think of myself as pretty fun, I'm always up for something new/different and I'm always wanting to experience and see new things. I'm also incredibly loving when it comes to the right people. 

The worst - I'm a pretty intense person I guess. If I get on with a certain person, I will cling to them. I'm a very personable person, I like to find out the ins and outs of that person and be by their side through pretty much everything - that goes for friendships as well as relationships! My decisions are also usually swayed by someone I admire or like, which annoys me, as I sometimes don't stand for what I want and get influenced by others! 

Phew!

Well done if you actually read that, you must be pretty nosy. (like me, don't worry ;))

I hope you enjoyed this little random post. Heres to hoping from this month my blog will start to take a turn for the more creative and exciting! PS, I kinda made this tag up myself out of a mixture of tag questions I found online - feel free to answer the questions and blog about them yourself! Tag me in them if you do. 

Thanks for reading, as always!

Madi x