I HATE THE INTERNET

Okay well thats obviously a complete lie..

I don't think I really hate the internet. If anything, I love it - a love/hate relationship, you could say?
I was pondering on what to title this blog post, 'WHY I STOPPED BLOGGING', or the current..
Life has been crazy lately, or at least in my head it has. Does anybody else get that? When you actually stand back and look at life, you're still doing the same old things - driving to work and back, sleeping, eating, drinking - the usual. When for some reason, your head seems to think a mammoth of events are taking place, resulting in general exhaustion - mind, body and soul?
Don't get me wrong, it's recently been my 26th birthday (yup, hard pill to swallow), my dads got remarried, and I've been battling with the stupid negative voice inside my head, yet again.
*rolling eyes emoji*

Truth is, I really miss blogging. I miss it so much, I indulge in it literally every single free moment, of every day. Constantly scrolling through Instagram, religiously catching up on my favourite Youtubers/content creators. I am a woman obsessed, really. Sometimes I realise I give myself no extra time to actually do anything else..
Read? nope - have to watch so-and-so's latest Q&A. Whip up a nice meal? nope - must consistently scroll through Instagram incase I miss anything. Gosh, that all sounds very sad, doesn't it?
I'm pretty sure I've been addicted to the internet and general social media since I was around 11. The days of Habbo Hotel, Bebo, Myspace and not actually having a single care in the world other than if you had HC club that month. (aka the good old days, before quarter life crisis' began taking over my brain box).

So, why DID I stop blogging for so long? If it's something I enjoy so much?

I'M NOT GOOD ENOUGH  I'LL NEVER BE GOOD ENOUGH
I think everyone on the blogosphere gets this - or even on the internet in general. After all, I don't see people posting badly lit photos of their chipped nail polish, selfies after they've been crying, or a dirty dinner table with half eaten food. As much as I love writing and sharing content with the World Wide Web, I'm never really sure if what I'm doing is really worthy of.. anything? Especially when online content improves, expands, and exceeds expectations, on literally a minutely basis these days.

I went for a job interview in London recently, and after the interview was coming to a close, I gave the interviewee's the opportunity to ask me any other questions - The only question they had?
'Why didn't you stick to going freelance?'. (Remember that time when I really tried to push my Instagram? - setting up staged breakfast scenes of elegant looking pancakes, planned outfit photoshoots of me posing by a fruit market or flat lays of my most loved skincare - naturally with the added couple of cacti to make the cut.) My excuse? I didn't really have one, embarrassingly. Why haven't I ever stuck with trying to go freelance? I'm pretty sure there are people out there who are completely owning their content (and control of their rent money!), who popped up way more recently than 2009.

'DISCONNECTED' NETWORK
Okay so this is going to sound really pathetic. Alas, I don't actually really know that many bloggers online, let alone in real life. Trying to get popular/general interest from your immediate network of friends/family etc with your own blog is really damn difficult. Especially as you notice that it's sometimes the case that said immediate network, will rarely really even interact with your online content. I completely get it, not everyone understands the world of aspiring to an online business, or the importance of having an aesthetically pleasing/visually coherent 'grid'. In my case, I often feel like I'm getting rolling eyes, sighs, or just that I'm generally being a 'show off', because lets be honest - 'Can you take another photo of me?' can be interoperated in the wrong way when you've already asked 5 times..

As a fully fledged Leo (apart from the out going part, I've always disagreed with that - give me a hot chocolate and my bed with my duvet wrapped around me over a room of new faces any day). I've always strived from ego boosting, compliments and pep talks - much to the exhaustion of my friends/family (sorry about that). I've never been 'in it for the likes' or anything like that when it comes to the online world, I find that all a bit tiering. However, to be acknowledged and told what I'm posting is 'cool' or 'inspiring', always gives me a boost. So when I'm not getting that, I generally tend to think - 'Madi, nobody actually cares'.

IS THERE ANY POINT?
I often make the mistake of thinking, 'If my friends aren't reading this - who is?'. I get this crippling anxiety of people wrinkling their nose whenever I say I've posted a new blog post, or acquaintances tutting at yet another professional photo of me frolicking around in Clifton. When really, the reality is - anybody could be reading my blog. A girl all the way in Australia, the women who barely even flashes a smile at work, the guy who had a crush on me in 2008, a potential employer, or heaven forbid - not just one, but a couple of ex's. (Sometimes that thought does humour me - my first love from 2009, reading about some soup I've made on the weekend, or the latest eye cream you 'just have to have', lol.)

There is so so much I want to write about, I even have a pretty hefty list in my notes on my phone, (thoughts that usually tend to come to me during my drive to work at 5.30am, strangely). I (and you, if you're struggling with posting content again), need to realise -
If I want to write about my new favourite shoes that I know a friend would hate - I can.
If I want to write about dating, despite my ex reading - I can.
If I want to post a load of posed photos of me in an outfit that made me feel good - I can.
For some reason my general mind set towards blogging over the past few months has been consistently negative.

'Can't do that, it'll be shit' - 'Can't say that, he/she will get offended' - 'Better not write about that, they'll think I'm full of it'.

Sometimes in life you just need to realise that everyone will judge you. No matter how hard you try, not everyone will like you - like what you write, like how you look, or just generally not like you?! (I experienced this this year, for the first time in my life - an expression of dislike towards me, for what? I'm still yet to find out, lollll). Thing is, in reality, when it comes to online content especially - if you really want to achieve something, you can! If Amy from Swansea can post about her new eyebrow routine or write about the highs and lows of Tinder and get paid for it, so can you.

I'm done with cooonstantly comparing myself to other bloggers/content creators (you know the ones - with the most perfectly sculpted bodies/faces, photographer boyfriends, most immaculate style and perfect Lightroom preset). Despite blogging since I was around 14/15, I need to remember that if I want to become serious at this whole blogging malarkey, I need to do it because I want to - not just for some glossy/fake photos that present a completely fake persona/lifestyle. My current followers/readers (hello!), follow me for me, because they relate to what I write, like my style, enjoy what I have to say on the interwebs or just generally enjoy a nosey (which is totally okay!)

I'm not promising 'blog posts every Wednesday' or anything like that, however I have a shit tonne of photos and recommendations for places I've visited this year! As well as some posts I'm excited to write about. Stay tuned! (I mean, if you like.. ;))

Thanks for reading!
Madi xo

PRETTY THINGS & BEING MINDFUL

Lately, I've been trying really hard to keep myself focused. Focused on keeping positive, and doing life in general. I feel like sometimes we feel ashamed to say we've not been keeping up with the daily demands of life, or not dealing so well with accepting inconvenient health problems, or unexpected loss/life events that are thrown our way. It's weird because, in hind sight, when I feel fine and happy again, its hard to believe that just a couple weeks ago I was lower than I've been in around 2 years. I'm usually really good at getting my head away from negativity. I've always had to be, what with family dispute and dealing with not only the mental health of my own, but of loved ones, too. 

One of my favourite pass times is thinking of self aid. What can I do that will make me feel better? Thanks to my mothers incredible nesting skills, I find I'm good at comforting myself back into a state of what I'd class as - happiness.

READ A REAL BOOK:

The other day my friend Esther happened to open the boot of her car, where I saw a book lying there, amongst other bits and bobs. (welcome to Esther's boot, everyone ;). She offered to let me borrow it, after saying she'd found it a good pool side read, on her holiday last week. Its been ages since I've really got stuck into a book. You can't beat a good paper back - no kindle, tablet or laptop is quite the same. I'm really enjoying it so far, (I Found You, by Lisa Jewell). I find books are the only way of letting my mind really escape. You have to physically turn a page, to get onto the next part and you have to fully focus your mind on each word, to grasp the story. Theres no endless scrolling feature, ads or silly videos to distract you. Something I definitely want to make more of a habit of.  

WRITE:

I feel really disheartened sometimes, about how far we've moved away from pen and paper. So much so, I sometimes forget what my hand writing even looks like. I took a trip to Paperchase after work the other day, just for a sneaky gander at the stationary (as you do). I've been thinking about writing letters for ages now, and it reminded me of how me and my grandma used to write letters to each other, when I was around 11/12. I remember how excited I'd feel seeing a hand written envelope waiting for me in the front porch. Despite the fact she only lived up the road, it was such a sweet little way of communication we had. When I saw how gorgeous this letter set was,  how could I resist?! Its actually embossed with gold detail, comes with 20 sheets, 10 envelopes, and was a mere £5. Theres something calming about writing, just like reading. It annoys me how we're all so consumed with technology and its wonderful ways. (She says, typing a blog post on a Macbook). Making more time to write is another thing I want to make time for, even if its just a list of 'to do's' from time to time. 

SURROUND YOURSELF WITH PRETTY THINGS:

Aren't flowers just the best thing ever to brighten/lift a room? (and of course, your mood!). Me and my step sister were talking today, about how you just can't beat receiving flowers. On occasion, I will buy myself some flowers to make me feel good, but only if they're cheap or I see them in passing while out shopping etc. I currently have the most BEAUTiful bouquet of roses I've actually ever seen?! On my desk. I've always wondered what it felt like to have flowers delivered to your work/house. When I was super ill last week, I was literally filling out an appeal for a stupid parking ticket I'd got (funnily enough, at the doctors), feeling SUPER shitty, when I looked out of the window to see a little old man shuffle to my door, with a big box of flowers. Surely not for me...he must have the wrong house? were my initial thoughts. I was so overwhelmed by just the personalised note that came with them, I literally burst into tears on the spot, in front of my mum and her friend. BLESS. ME. (Thanks CM ;)). 

MAKE A DEN

This is literally my favourite thing to do. As much as I love getting out there, exploring, visiting places, driving around in my little automobile. Nothing beats preening and pruning my bedroom, changing my bed sheets, lighting my candles, turning on the fairy lights and watching Youtube/Netflix in my little nest. (Admittedly, I do this every night at around 8pm if I have no plans). I am secretly a little door mouse, its true. 

I think its so important to keep yourself grounded in life. In a generation where we're all so consumed with the daily comparisons, horror stories and superficial lives on social media, or the over whelming choices we're given, with near enough everything - from clothes, to entertainment, to interiors, to music. Sometimes I find my little heart is so heavy. I find it quite hard to filter and process things a lot of the time, what I like, what I don't, who I want to be, who I don't etc. Hence why I spend a lot of my time escaping it all in the comforts of my sheets. However, I do feel a whole tonne better once I take some proper time for myself. Eating & drinking well, dressing yourself nicely, spending time to do your hair, treating yourself to nice makeup, making your surroundings smell good. Self love is a wonderful thing, but only if you're good at it. Luckily, I am a firm believer in that, practise makes perfect. 

Is there anything you do to help keep yourself sane in this crazy world we live in? 

Hope you all have a lovely weekend! Thanks for reading, Madi x