WHAT I'VE LEARNT FROM THE BOYS I'VE LOVED

OK, BEFORE WE BEGIN - This blog post is not inspired by, 'To the boys I've loved before' on Netflix. I'm pretty sure I've talked about writing this blog post to a zillion of my friends (ok, all the 4ish I have), for ages. If you've followed me for a while, you'll know that relationships/love and all that jazz is something I enjoy writing about. (I wish I knew why, too). I've been single for as long as I can remember, (I mean, not that long - around 2 years now I guess?) and considering I've been loved up since the age of 17, with not many significant pauses in between, this lonesome gap has given me a lot of, lets say, reflection time.

#1

Number one, is obliged to be my number one - forever, I guess! Even though I am now 26, I still look back on this time in my life with great fondness and light hearted memories, (when I ignore all the fights/arguments lol). I will always feel so grateful for having a stereotypical 'first love'.
I fell in love for the first time when I'd not long turned 17. From what I remember of it, it was everything you'd hope it would be, the perfect recipe for a teenage romance. The boy that everyone seemed to have a crush on, had a crush on me (?!)(lol, 'crush'). Sneaking into bedrooms when we weren't permitted to have same bedroom sleepovers, falling asleep nose to nose. Thinking, texting, calling, skyping each other. Sleeping, breathing, living, side by side. Clinging to each other for dear life at every social event. Intense, emotional pillow talks and relentless sexual activity at any. given. moment. (I had sex on my stairs once, in a friends bathroom another (sorry friend - you still don't know this), 'did stuff' on an aeroplane another (A proud 'I have never' claim, I must admit). Completely obsessive, passionate, ridiculous - all the while still feeling like I was in my own little fairytale. I actually still have a diary from 2009 about this phase in my life and I'm pretty sure I'll keep them forever. (I know, vom)

Number one set my standards high from day one. Considering how young we were, he'd always make me feel genuinely looked after during emotional and traumatic times in my life and always seemed to support me. I was cared for and admired relentlessly until the end. However, number one also taught me to recognise the controlling aspect in a relationship, taught me how I should always expect support and encouragement, meanwhile remembering it's not okay to make each other feel bad for spending time with friends, or do things separately - have your own lives etc. In the end I know this is the reason we ended - as a little 20 year old, me and my romantic, curious and most importantly - young heart, just couldn't breath anymore.
Number one taught me - that 'real love' feeling does exist and to never settle for anything less. Taught me to always recognise perhaps, the toxic side of an obsessive relationship and although heart breaking, always know when to leave.

#2

Sometimes I question if I was actually in love with number two. However when I really think about it, he was the classic 'accidental love' you read about in chic flic-y books. I stumbled upon number two while dressed as a cat in a kebab shop. How all good love stories start, am I right? I'm pretty sure he was initially interested in the friend I was with, however a spontaneous trip to his flat to watch films and eat the remains of our late night culinary delicacies - proved other wise. Me and number two hit it off instantly. I was in the 'I'm mother fucking single' stage, where you're all excited to meet, talk to, snog - all of the men. (FYI the thought of that now genuinely turns my stomach.. oh maturity, you're fun.)  Number two was the bubble of fun that needed to enter my life, at that time. We kept it fun, casual and exciting for near enough the entire year we were seeing each other. I look back at this time as the happiest year of my life - still to this day! I was admired but from a distance this time. I was out boozing constantly and getting my first taste of travelling Europe with friends, while spending my down time (mostly hungover) slobbing around a beautiful flat in Clifton and being wined and dined with the central convenience of Just Eat.

I didn't treat number two too well. He was my happy, fun, escapism boy - but ultimately, still my rebound. When things started getting a little more serious than getting pizza in our joggers - for example, meeting parents, hotel stays, 'anniversary' gestures, Facebook announcements - I think I just got a little scared, so ended it. Looking back I just wasn't ready to feel the feelings I felt with number one, with number two - despite all the fun I was having.
Number two taught me that shared laughter, fun and spontaneity are some of the most important qualities to create a wholesome relationship. He taught me that looks or 'type', aren't the be all and end all to the law of attraction (he wore the worst clothes - I'm sure you all know how I felt about that, as a 21 year old blossoming fashionista).

#3

Ahh and here we meet, my first 'Tinder love'. Things with number three probably had the most rapid chain reaction so far. From what I've experienced, both from a personal perspective and also from the outside looking in, Tinder 'relationships' always seem to happen so fast. I feel like due to the nature of the app it self, once you find someone you remotely get on with and find attractive, suddenly you find yourselves holding onto each other for dear life, subtly shoving in everyones face an influx of superficial social media posts - 'LOOK, we found each other, Tinder does work' *insert hundreds of 'boy did good' posts*. The fear of swiping through the next 10k of unsuitable mugs (sorry but, its true), is real - it appears. I had my first 'date' with number three in my local pub and he brought me Sainsbury's cookies because I had mentioned craving them once in one of our online chats. (Cute or creepy, you decide). I fancied number three a hell of a lot. You know the ones that just aesthetically tick a lot of the boxes?

Number three turned out to be an intense version of number one and two combined. It was all a bit much when I actually look back. A boy that seemingly appeared to be besotted with me (he once told me it was like watching a super model go down on him (stop it) and I'm not gunna lie, it's something I hold close to my ego to this day - cheers mate). When in the next breath - my phone was being checked weekly, I was given the cold shoulder treatment for the slightest interaction with other boys (usually an Instagram like for a taken lad I went to uni with, for example) and I was once chucked out of his house during the early hours for not doing what he demanded during a night out. Insecurities were a huge part of this relationship. I was still flying high at this point from my previous 'adoring' relationships I'd seemed to encounter, so my self esteem was sky rocketing. I guess I can kind of  understand how number three may have felt inferior to my some what, sassy persona at the time?
Number three taught me to take things slowly. As temporarily great the sex may be with someone you aesthetically fancy - it never lasts long. Number three taught me not to rush into something just because of the intensity. Head over heart, Love over lust, always wins in the long run.

#4

Number 4, another Tinder find. If I haven't already used the word 'intense' enough, I'm about to use it now. Maybe I'm just an intense person? Maybe this is why I also attract, intense personas. (Is there self help books for this issue?!) I met number 4 during a very sensitive time. I was going through a hell of a lot with my health, that even included hospital stays. Number 4 was like my strangely comforting, cyber buddy. We spoke at all hours, of every day. (I honestly couldn't tell you how we had so much to talk about.) I'd be lying if I didn't say things moved insanely quickly with number 4, also. Just three months into dating number 4, I found myself introducing him to family members, on a flight to Egypt by his side, and dropping the L bomb (literally, wtf mads?). For some reason I just seemed to find instant comfort in number 4. I wanted to spend every moment, of every day, with him - why? I honestly couldn't tell you. I kind of get it now when people say that phrase 'when you know, you know' with out actually really knowing, why? I found myself falling hard and quickly, not really sure what was going on with this crazy heart of mine but embracing it anyway. Then shortly after our Middle Eastern mini break - dumped. Wait, me? Dumped? This came as a huge, huge, emotional shock to me. I had never been dumped before, I was always in the control chair, always the one who decided when enough was enough or I was just 'bored' or didn't quite 'fancy' them anymore. This time I was on the receiving end and I'll be honest, it was awful.

Then the games began. My first on-off relationship that you can read about here. Something I would highly NOT RECOMMEND. Despite the ups and downs, mental health bouts and general emotional trauma (dramatic but true), I endured during this time, I wouldn't change any of it. I've probably learnt the most from number 4. Maybe I was just given a taste of my own medicine? Maybe this is how I'd made all the boys in my life feel previously to now? (Isn't karma a bitch tho?)
Number 4 taught me that there are boys out there that can be deeply caring, thoughtful, loving and kind, however should never be excused for emotional abuse and general bad/disrespectful behaviour. Number 4 taught me to seek that 'winning formula', that equal balance of love, fun, and respect. Number 4 taught me to know what I want and more importantly what I don't. Life lessons come to us in the funniest of ways sometimes and I'm sure, embracing them will only take you higher. 

I'm telling you now. The age of 25 has been the weirdest year for me, I've learnt so much but in quite a sad, depressing and inconvenient way. During my late teens/early 20's I felt as though I was pursued by boys, a lot of the time.. I felt like boys I seemed to meet (not many, btw) - fancied me in some way or I fancied them and things always progressed more than just friends. Meanwhile 2017/18 has provided me with so many more Tinder dates than I'd planned,  so much more 'disappointment' and generally so much #singlelife-ness. I feel like I'm a million miles away from a lot of friends who are engaged, have babies on the way or enduring in a consistent and flourishing relationship. It's a weird feeling when you've always been the 'one with the boyfriend'. However, when I really think about it, am I even ready for all that? I'm still exploring things I like, career options, moving cities, figuring what makes me tick, let alone mixing boys into the equation. Sometimes I think its unfortunate for me that I haven't yet found myself building a home together with a loved one or discussing which washing machine to get or if we're in the right catchment area for schooling - then I remember, theres so much more I want yet - from life in general. Slow and steady wins the race - Something I always try and live by.

Hope you enjoyed the read and hopefully I didn't cause any offence (eek).
Let me know if this is the kind of content you enjoy (I have a tonne more I want to write about including awkward encounters and battling dating apps).
Thanks for reading!!
Madi xo

15 PERSONAL GET TO KNOW ME QUESTIONS

Ok so I'm getting frustrated. I'm also relating a lot to Alice, over at THE ALICE EDIT, what with her recently carried out knee operation and being house bound. There are SO many blog posts I have lined up that I want to write, I just don't have the photos to go with them! If you haven't guessed already, and without sounding too self obsessed here, the photos I have planned would be of me, or include me. After all this is my personal blog, so it would be nice if I could make it more personal in the way of creative self portraits/photography and of course outfit posts etc. 

Anyway, I thought I'd do a personal question tag, (the more personal, the more juicy, right?). I've seen things like this floating around on the Blogosphere for a while now so thought I'd give it a go - plus I don't really have too much else to write about for now, at least until I can get some photos done! (I started my new medication today, eee all fingers and toes crossed that it kicks in ASAP!). 

If you had my on Myspace, or even Facebook, way back when in 2007, you'll know I'm a big fan of a question tag ;) I can't promise this will be too interesting but I hope you are some what entertained anyway!

1. Where did you grow up? What was it like?

I was born and grew up in none other, than good old Bristol. I've always loved the city I live in. Growing up here was a whirlwind of excitement, drinking underage, and meeting tonnes of new people. Bristol is a good mix of professionalism and play & sophistication and creativity. I love the fact its big enough for plenty of adventure but small enough to feel safe.

2. Who do you admire the most right now?

Probably my friends. I look up to every single one of them. I always feel as though they are continuously achieving things and excelling in life. Also lots of other freelance bloggers/writers that I subtly envy, and people who have enough guts and passion to start up their own business'! 

3. How'd you meet your best friend?

We met at my first ever job, in a shop called Espirt. She was one of the only friendly faces that asked for my contact details and made me feel super welcome. It's crazy how close we are now considering we met in a work environment!

4. Whats the most important thing in your life right now?

Without a doubt, my physical and mental health. I'm hopefully on the road to recovery once more and its feeling good!

5. How do you express yourself romantically?

I like to describe myself as a slow burner, but once I'm a-light, boy do you know it. I take my time in finding out where my feelings are going with a person. If I like someone, they won't know it straight away. It takes me a good while to feel comfortable with showing my emotion and feelings. However, once I start to like someone, I involve myself in that person a lot. Maybe too much. 

6. What was your most embarrassing moment?

I'm sure there are a trillion that I can't remember but, I do specifically remember the one time one of my ex's announced to his whole family, that I'd been for a poo (I had), because I'd taken a long time in the bathroom. Cheers pal. More recently me and my friend were bidding farewell to some boys we met in a club, and they watched me fall down the stairs as they waved us off... yup. 

7. Whats your pet peev?

People who don't wear cycle helmets when they cycle on the road, or anywhere for that matter. People who tap. The general public. Late doctors appointments. Waiting for prescriptions. Out of date soya milk. When everyones eating cheese and I can't. Sweaty/clammy, naked cuddles. The feeling of being rained on. Bad weather on holiday. Uncomfy clothing... to name a few. 

8. What do you notice first in a person?

Probably their stature/general presence. Which sounds really weird, but I think I judge someone a lot by their body language - whether it be closed, open, slouched or proud. If they walk hunched or tall and if they make eye contact with me/attempt to make conversation or not. Aesthetic wise it's probably height & eyes in a man and makeup & skin on a woman (the things I would envy, lawl). 

9.  Whats a song that moved you to feel something?

Paolo Nutini - Loving You, reminds me of falling in love for the first time.

Maccabees - Toothpaste Kisses, reminds me of falling in lust for the first time.

Alt J - Every Other Freckle, reminds me of being in love.

Birdy - Light Me Up, reminds me of falling out of love and being interested in someone new.

Dua Lipa - New Rules, reminds me of 2016.

Naughty Boy - La La La, reminds me of the best Summer of my life so far (2013).

Of course there are a shit tonne more but, there ya go!

10. What random topic do you enjoy discussing?

Boys. No matter how much I try and detract myself away from the male species, they ALWAYS seem to crop up in topic of conversation. Whether it be memories or hes 'been a massive twat' or 'gave the best orgasm', there always seems to be something that provokes emotion and passion when it comes to boys. I think both me and my closest friends, can agree on the fact we just love talking about boys and their mystical, bellendish, wonderful ways. 

11. Whats your favourite thing to buy?

Well obviously that would without a doubt be food. A good Nando's or a tasty Waga's - you got me at 'Shall we get food?'. Second to that would probably be makeup or toiletries, I'm pretty sure Boots and Superdrug should know my name by now. 

12. What do you hope to grow out of?

I really hope to grow out of my lack of organisation and untidyness. I feel like I'm really good at initially organising myself, whether it be for a new job, a weekend away, making my room tidy, or even a night out. Yet I always end up in chaos. I seem to just lose all concept of keeping myself in check and remembering how maintaining organisation, will make the task in hand easier in the long run. (You should see my pants & socks drawers..)

13. What impression do you try to give when you first meet them?

What I try to give and what I actually portray seem to be pretty different. I think it also depends what mood I'm in. Sometimes I think I can appear pretty stand offish and shy/rude, not that I mean to be! Sometimes I'm shy and quiet Madi, and other times I'm loud, friendly, welcoming Madi. How comfortable I am in a situation usually determines which Madi I'll be that day/evening! Overall I'm a pretty friendly gal that will talk to anyone if I feel confident enough to do so. 

14. What are some things you'd like to achieve before you die?

I want to travel to as many places as possible. I don't mean travel with a backpack and see the world in a more rural and organic way (As much as I wish I could be that girl). More so that I want to have as many holidays as I can (heh). Ya girl can't deal with not having a wash or eating nice food for over 48 hours.  

15. Whats the best and worst part of your personality?

The best - I'm pretty loyal when it comes to friendships and relationships. If I'm in your life, I'm very much in your life. When I'm sad, I find I can always bring myself around in one way or another, sometimes it takes longer than others, but on the whole I'm pretty good at self healing. I like to think of myself as pretty fun, I'm always up for something new/different and I'm always wanting to experience and see new things. I'm also incredibly loving when it comes to the right people. 

The worst - I'm a pretty intense person I guess. If I get on with a certain person, I will cling to them. I'm a very personable person, I like to find out the ins and outs of that person and be by their side through pretty much everything - that goes for friendships as well as relationships! My decisions are also usually swayed by someone I admire or like, which annoys me, as I sometimes don't stand for what I want and get influenced by others! 

Phew!

Well done if you actually read that, you must be pretty nosy. (like me, don't worry ;))

I hope you enjoyed this little random post. Heres to hoping from this month my blog will start to take a turn for the more creative and exciting! PS, I kinda made this tag up myself out of a mixture of tag questions I found online - feel free to answer the questions and blog about them yourself! Tag me in them if you do. 

Thanks for reading, as always!

Madi x

IWD

Today is International Women's day. I've been thinking about doing this blog post for a while, but today it seems most appropriate. First of all - I love being a girl, but its hard. Really hard - but we all know that. What with periods, mood swings, the lack of choice in decent men, having to be the one to carry and birth a baby, stupid dating apps that make us want to die, skincare, what clothes will make our assets look the nicest, our hair, our toenails, having to shave our hairy legs & foof. I could honestly go on forever. (Ps I think thats the first time I've ever referred to a vagina as, a foof). Half of my days are spent wondering whether I should aspire to be a nature loving, free spirited feminist, or a self indulgent, materialistic, Instagram model.

My favourite part about being a women in 2017 is how strong we are perceived, recognised, and most importantly, are. I do agree that social media is a huge part of this. Women are standing forward when it comes to being a 'girl boss'. Girls are encouraged to take their passion or career path, and run with it. Whether it be writing about the make up we love, talking about our pregnancy journeys, becoming qualified builders and electricians, or becoming CEO. Gone are the days where women are confined to motherhood, or discouraged to use their brains for anything more than keeping a home. Girls are being brought up to stand up for themselves, never back down until they get what they want, and most importantly, continuously fight for the respect we always have and always will, deserve.

Okay, so lets talk about men. Who doesn't love men? Whether it be your dad, brother, dog, cousin, work friend, Tinder squeeze, boyfriend or husband. Men are the spice of life, the opposite sex. What would we do without strapping young lads or wise old men? Whether we like it or not, men make us feel good. Whether its helping us, spoiling us, flirting with us, or squeezing us and spinning us around, (one of my personal faves). However, (come on, of course theres a 'however), what really upsets me, is men with double standards, and worse - inflicting emotional and physical abuse, particularly when it comes to sexism.

Men who expect women to stay reserved and 'old fashioned', yet expect us to send nudes. Men who expect women to not dress in a certain way, yet deem it ok to pry, perv and pester, when a woman chooses otherwise. I've actually been pretty shocked at some remarks I've heard, aimed at women. To name a few, 'I would never date someone who isn't a virgin, damaged goods' or 'If I found out you'd slept with more people than me, I wouldn't date you. Trust me, ALL men think the same', but of course - its perfectly acceptable, almost disregarded, for us to date men who have been around the houses, and some. I feel extremely passionate when it comes to women and how/when we use our bodies. GUESS WHAT?! Sex feels great to us too! It baffles me as to how older generations STILL appear to think casual sexual partners, one night stands, and sex based relationships are 'disrespecting yourself' or 'letting a man use you'.
....But, what If we're 'using' them, just as much as they're 'using' us? Like I say, I could talk on this subject matter for an eternity.

I feel kinda sad for some of my friends in their 20's who still, in 2017, feel they can't freely talk about relationships/sex with their parents. I mean of course, some things are unheard of sharing. However, I believe now, more than ever, girls should be talking about sex - safe sex! Educating each other, and most importantly not made to feel ashamed for taking part in, and enjoying safe sex. Why is it that boys get 'get in their son', yet girls get a subtly shunned with derogatory remarks. What confuses me the most, is one minute girls are 'frigid' teenagers, made fun of in the playground for being a virgin. Then the next, they're made to feel unnecessarily ashamed, for carrying out an act, that on most occasions, is both pleasurable and empowering. I feel like as a society - views, feelings, emotions and attitudes towards sexism is still something we need to work on. I mean, isn't it kind of sad that most of the songs on the radio are about getting back at our ex's, how boys are all cheats, and how dying our hair blonde, would be a necessary action to take to get a boys attention/approval?! AND, whats with all the meme's/videos about 'needy' girlfriends, when all we're really doing is expressing our love in our own weird and wonderful ways?! Bring back the days of heartfelt mix tapes, love poems and romance, I say!

“A slut is someone, usually a woman, who’s stepped outside of the very narrow lane that good girls are supposed to stay within. Sluts are loud. We’re messy. We don’t behave. In fact, the original definition of “slut” meant “untidy woman.” But since we live in a world that relies on women to be tidy in all ways, to be quiet and obedient and agreeable and available (but never aggressive), those of us who colour outside of the lines get called sluts. And that word is meant to keep us in line.” 
― Jaclyn Friedman

Women - let us continue to be loud, messy, colourful, fierce, creative, wild, free, excitable and absolutely extraordinary. Keep growing your freelance business', keep bringing up amazing families, keep striving towards #goals, travel often, love often, and don't let men like Donald Trump make you think you are anything less, than absolutely FAB.

Thanks for reading, Madi x

DO'S AND DONT'S OF A 20 SOMETHING'S LOVE LIFE

Oh hey.
How fricking hilarious, I just went to view my old blog and found this blog post saved in my drafts, dated back to November 2015! I can just tell by the tone of my type that I was, lets say, a little pissed.
Bless me, I thought it would be pretty funny to actually post it this time around as its actually sort of relevant still! If you're sick of watching people sprawling their engagement on Christmas day all over Facebook, or updates of 'The boy did good' etc, Read on...

Oh look, here I am again. WHY is it I always actually make the time to blog and write when I'm sad, angry, or disappointed? I wish I could find the passion to take the time to write about a beautiful new lipstick or dress I've purchased, but I'd rather just chat for hours in person about those things.

I really wanted to write this post, well, I have wanted to write this post for SO LONG. I've just always worried about causing offence or upsetting people. I always relate so much to Jameela Jemill's personal experience columns in Cosmo magazine and how much they make me laugh. My main aim is to just have a giggle about all of this when I look back in a few years time. I've now had four relationships, each and every one, COMPLETELY different. Well, obviously there are some that have the same traits, but all in all, I'd say, different.

Here are some simple do's and dont's I've figured out along my merry way through the good and bad times of my personal relationships with men.

DO - check your OWN fucking social media. Shit me, the amount of clues you get from that after stalking yourself from the past few weeks, what were you DOING girl. If your tweets resemble those of a depressed middle aged women with 5 kids (all under aged 6), pleading for cuddles, massages, company and adventure, its time to re-evaluate, pronto.

DON'T - underestimate an HONEST man. Yes, they may have just wasted your time, energy and money. (Not to mention those hours you'd spend thinking how you could change things, wondering if they'll change, wonder if THIS time MAYBE they'll wrap you in their arms when you arrive home wet and cold from a long day). However, after being told from their own mouth, 'I don't think I'll change' - THAT, my huns, is a signal to gallop off as fast as you can into the sea of singletons that WANT your company and appreciate your presence.

DO - love. yo. self. (but not too much), I've had it before where I was so boastful about myself, my big blue eyes, my quirky ginger hair, my decent body - the boy himself was actually put off, 'It's actually such a turn off when you do that' (lol). Don't get me wrong, I'm not ACTUALLY cocky, I just sometimes find it funny to over exaggerate and PRETEND I'm an egotistical twat. (But sometimes they genuinely believe you, oops)

DON'T - try and change someone. Each and every one of us, has a background, an upbringing, a childhood etc. When in a HAPPY relationship, I am the most fun loving, uplifting, excited, hyperactive, cuddly, snuggly person ever (I bite people when I like them, I once bit my best friend while intoxicated, so hard that I gave her bruises - I mean, hello?). Now, when you find yourself TRYING to make this reciprocal - stop.

DO - get pissed and have a good time. Its a classic, you get pissed with your friends, have a dance, have a giggle, and create a story to tell. As long as you're not harming anyone, or yourself, you're in the right frame of mind and you're up for a good time - bloody go for it. The gossip magazines/chic flics are not wrong. It works.

DON'T - Ever, ever, ever, be told what to do, or how to be. I mean fair enough 'Madi, can you get the cutlery out for dinner', sure. However, once when I was relatively young, I was told by a boyfriend, I looked like a slut with fake eyelashes on before going out for a family meal. I'M SORRY???? I think at the time, I cried and took them off. Now I'd probably just laugh, push the persons face far far AWAY from my own, and turn my back (and put on more mascara).

DO - Learn from your wrong doings. Well, I say wrong doings, I actually mean damn right wrong decisions. Listen to your inner voice, act upon that feeling in your gut, LISTEN to your friends and family. When people close to you can see that a person you're dating is underserving of you, take it on board to realise that, MAYBE it isn't right that your partner silently turns away and goes straight on their phone after sex, or falls asleep after you've just arrived at their house for the evening - realise your worth girl!

DON'T - Be afraid to fart. I once spent an entire 3 year relationship holding in farts and number 2's, until I got home or to a friends. Its not something I'd recommend.

Oh me. What am I like?
Until next time x

Heres a video that inspired me a little to write this post: