TWO WEEKS OF LIVING IN LONDON

Before writing this post, I already know people will be thinking, 'God Madi, get over it, you were only in London for two weeks', 'Madi, it's not that big a deal, you only did a two week placement in London'... etc etc. I really hate that part of blogging/social media/the online world. Why do we all make fun of each other so much? All the screen shots of bad eyebrows, bad outfits and soppy couples we've all put on the group chat at some point. We're all so quick to judge, and its sad. Its one of the main reasons I truly deem myself as an 'anxious blogger', (I just made that up). Sometimes I get so worried about what people will think of what I'm writing about or photos I want to share, I just don't share anything at all. Stupid isn't it? We all like different things, we all want to share different things, some of us want to share a lot, some of us nothing at all. I guess at least I know that some people are genuinely interested in the stuff that I share. So fuck it! Here's a little about my trip to London the past couple weeks..

{Some Houses by Jenny's flat}

Ok so background info: So as you may or may not know, I have a degree in Fashion Promotion and I've always aspired to do the best I possibly can when it comes to my education & career. The only thing thats got in my way is mental health, and physical health. If it wasn't for my sometimes crippling depression and anxiety, and my sometimes debilitating illness - I have no doubt that I'd be a little further advanced in my career level than I currently am right now. 

Alas, I decided to try and push myself this year, after a break up that left me feeling rock bottom about myself, and a bout of illness that left me feeling pretty useless in general - I decided to send a few emails around and try my luck at getting my first ever placement in London. (Don't ask, don't get and all that).

I was really lucky to be able to stay at my friend Jenny's flat, as she is currently a live out Nanny in Islington. The area Jenny lives in is really accessable to the destinations I needed in London (ie - Central/Victoria), so it was pretty easy for me to figure out my commute and only took around 25 minutes one way for me to get to the office. Before I left for London I can't even begin to explain to you how anxious and nervous I really was. I was just super worried about getting around, and I get really worried about getting hurt/being unsafe in over crowded places, especially at this time of year - can't really blame me what with some of the news this year. Ironically, on my first day the tube station by Jenny's flat was actually closed, and there were 'emergency response' workers outside, meaning I had to get the bus. (Luckily I left around 1.5 hours early for the start of my day during the first couple days, incase of such incidences). (I arrived a whole hour early one day). (lol).

{Amazing lights in Oxford Circus and Soho}

My general day to day, included two tubes, lots of people, lots of awkward eye contact and potentially flirtatious side smiles. Followed by a green tea in the office's cafe considering I was usually early. I would then go up into the office and experience my first taste into Fashion PR work and what it really involves. Lots of important emails and phone calls? correct. Lots of making connections with brands, editors, and journalists, while being surrounded by glossy magazines? correct. Sounds glamorous right? Some of the days me and the Fashion comms assistant would go back and forth to the Oxford Street store carrying hangers or samples, we'd personally wrap PR packages to send to bloggers, and one of the days I helped to undress some of Christmas tree's. It was all very varied - which I loved!

{Me and Jenny went for dinner on the roof top garden above John Lewis Oxford Street - although a bit chilly, absolutely stunning food and definitely made me feel at least a little festive (I'm not sure why but I'm a bit of a bah humbug this year!} 

I really really enjoyed my time as an intern. It was much more hard work than I expected, mainly because a lot of physical work was involved, what with a shit tonne of PR samples to sort through, vans to load, cages to push, but it was all work I was used to doing with my current job as a Merchandiser, so as the days rolled by I actually felt more and more confident with this potential London PR girl work/life scenario I was immersing myself in. Some days I was sent to get lunch or coffee's for the team, other times to drop off some dry cleaning or pick up more glossy magazines - I actually loved this part! It meant I got to go on a little solo adventure to source whatever I was told to get. Whether it was sushi from the local Waitrose, or magazines from Selfridges - The intrigued explorer with in me was more than game to set up my google maps and face the challenge of navigating the busy streets of Central London.

{Beautiful Oxford Street Christmas lights}

I feel like Fashion Internships are something that aren't talked about much on the internet. You're just expected to do them if you want to get somewhere when it comes to the world of fashun. They're predominantly unpaid, and it's said that you are usually over worked and under appreciated. I won't lie to you, I was exhausted after the two weeks I volunteered myself. The first week I was there was the launch of the long awaited Christmas Advert (which was super cool to see behind the scenes/commercial work that goes into it), and the second week was the SS18 Press Show. I met a couple of big magazine editors, bumped into Mary Portas and got to see new releases before anyone else. All. very. cool. Now I've worked within PR, I know that its something I would definitely be interested in as a career, and after all, thats the reasons you should be doing internships/placements etc. I spoke to a few people in the head office and found myself saying 'I just don't really know what I want to do yet', and a lot of them responded, 'Well thats a good thing! You get to explore whatever you want'. (I still wish I was a self assured aspiring Investment Banker to bring in that sweet dolla, but hey ho #creativeprobs)

{Some lovely London architecture - you know I love me some beautiful buildings}

I think as a generation we're so pressurised into thinking whats wrong and right for a career. I constantly feel pressurised to earn more money to be able to invest in property etc. Which I completely get, and ultimately thats the goal, however I need to remember that if I worked in a city or a company/job role that didn't feed my soul and make me feel excited and inspired - I'd crash and burn. I think the internship I did was a long time coming. I was struggling here in Bristol with my mood and general mental health, I think everyone tends to come to times in their lives sometimes where they feel they've hit a brick wall. I can't stand the monotonous routine of doing something thats not giving my life the best and most motivating impact it possibly can. Why would I want to use my energy on something that I don't feel is benefiting my life or making me happy?

SO WHAT HAVE I LEARNT?

London gave me the feeling I got when I was back at uni. That feeling of rushing around, getting a train here, driving there, doing this project and that project, and putting my all into everything I did. London excited me and challenged me in more ways than one. I completely get why Londoner's say they could never leave. As tourists we see busy streets and stuffy tubes and bright and over whelming shops. However, I saw a different side of London this time around, considering I spent more than just a day/long weekend there. (and I wasn't there just to shop).

{The best cookie I've ever tasted from a Vegan market me and my friend Jenny went to one weekend - Me feeling slightly sassy in my all black attire (and a massive head apparently)}

My time away from home/Bristol gave me a time to have my own head space, to focus on portraying myself in the best way possible and absorbing as much information as I could. In three words - Fun, Interesting, Missedmybed. I would urge anyone to try an internship in London if you get the chance, and really take the opportunity and run with it. Every task I was given I tried my very best, if it was to scan some magazines, I did it as fast as I could. If it was to put together a coverage report or competitor research, I made sure it was as neat and informative as possible. I almost feel as though I got my 'mojo' back when I went to London.
After a year of being emotionally drained by a tough relationship, a sometimes tough home life, and a general stunt in my motivation, it was nice to go back to feeling like the old me again - immersing myself in creativity, learning new things and exploring new places - my fave things ever.

{This day I had the day to myself as my friend and her flat mate were both busy - I did want to go out and explore some places but over thinking got the better of me, so I ended up making myself a big comforting breakfast and exploring the local area instead!}

I'm not sure where I'll go next when it comes to my career goals. I'm the sort of person that has to take the time to really absorb new information/experiences and reflect on it once I've had some time. I'm just so proud and excited that I finally did it. All by myself. Worked in London, in the Fashion industry. Something that sounds so easy and laughable to some, but a huge achievement for me.

{Till next time London! - Can we just acknowledge how b u s y Paddington station was on my Friday evening depart, I literally nearly got stampeeded over with my massive suitcase. (I did get a seat on the train though yaaas)}

Anyway, well done if you got through that mammoth of blabble & thanks for reading!
Madi x 

AUTUMN ANXIETY

Its been so long since I've sat down and typed at my laptop, I'm not even sure how to start a blog post any more, let alone write one! I'm literally just going to sit here with no plans, no bullet points, no structure, just type my mind (so sorry if its a bit of a mish mash of rambles).

So, Autumn, most peoples favourite time of year. Where everyone goes into a knitwear frenzy, everything suddenly becomes pumpkin spice flavoured and if you don't have a photo of some form of autumn leaf or carved pumpkin on your Instagram, you can't possibly love Autumn as much as the next person. I'm usually in a state of content this time of year, where my working days seem short (due to the first couple hours being before the sunrise), and the hours I spend snuggled in my dressing gown with Theo, or curled around an endless stream of Youtube videos from my phone while wrapped up in bed, seem to have not much of a limit. This is my happy place. Or so it was.

This year for the first time ever I'm left with my own thoughts. A lot. So the time I spend alone in my room or snuggling my dog aren't quite as sacred as they were before. They've become the norm, which means instead of feeling content and happy, I just feel lonely and exhausted by the thoughts constantly circling my head. For me the main reason for that is this - I am single. It's never really hit me before, that feeling of being truly alone. Where you could look at your phone after a couple hours and there be nothing there to read or respond to, you have no bags to pack for an overnight stay or nobody to wait for to meet after work. I've been in very serious relationships over my entire teen/young adult life, so for me, without having someone intertwined in my life, is a very strange, elating but also a completely empty feeling.

It's only this Autumn where I have truly realised what it must've been like for all my family and friends the past decade. I was the girl who always gave all of her time to her boyfriend. I was the girl who sacrificed rest and alone time for a boyfriend. And I was the girl that didn't give a second thought to how my friends would feel when I would cancel plans last minute because my boyfriends plans had changed. I am the girl who prefers one on one male company to any other company, and this year for the first time ever, I've experienced what it feels like to be on the other end of that, and to be honest, I'm glad. I think its the smack in the face I've been needing to make me not only truly appreciate time with my friends, to make time for them and make them feel valued in my life, but also value the time with any future relationships I may have. Its this year that my head has actually come out of the sand and realised all the cool things my friends have done while I've been spending all my time and energy in relationships.

Which leads me to thinking about myself and my life from now on. This year - this Autumn so far, has been a strange one. I've never ever felt more low, and I've never ever felt more disheartened and disappointed in myself, for wasting so much time on toxic relationships, that I now realise I was only holding on to (despite them making me deeply unhappy), to avoid this very feeling. I was using relationships to make me feel valued and worthy. I was using relationships to make me feel wanted, attractive and not alone. I realise now without that constant attention/distraction I'm desperately unhappy with myself.

ALAS, heres to happy changes. I'm not the type of person to dwell for too long and I hate moaning/people who moan too much. I'm constantly trying my very best to pick myself back up from low points and push myself for the next challenge, which is exactly what I'm about to do. 0 boyfriends in tow. Next week I set off to London, for a two week placement at John Lewis's head office in the Communications department. Even typing that makes me feel weird. I am quite frankly, pretty petrified. Right now I'm thinking about if my coach will get from Bristol to London ok, let alone getting up on time, getting ready, catching the tube, finding somewhere to eat lunch, navigating my way around London etc. I just know once I get there I'll think 'why did I worry about this so much', but for now I'm all kinds of nervous/excited. All my friends, ex boyfriends, and family, know that this whole working in London and putting my degree to use thing, is something I've always wanted to do, and to be honest, this time last year theres no way I'd have the balls to even enquire about such things. So, heres to Autumn 2017 - having the balls to try new things, nipping depression in the bud, valuing and giving time to myself and people who actually care about me over anybody else, and recognising my personal achievements, no matter how small.

PS this is the first outfit post I've done in literally YEARS. I used to be so confident strutting my stuff in front of a camera (granted it was usually on a tripod in my bedroom), so it felt super weird for my slightly shy/awkward 2017 self to be photographed by the lovely Chloe (from Chloeharriets.com)

Jumper - Primark

Earings - Primark

Trousers - Primark

Bag - Primark

Boots - Topshop

Watch - Marc Jacobs

Lipstick - MAC - Stone

Thanks for reading and I hope you're enjoying the Autumn season as much as the rest of our generation seems to be this year! 

Madi x