IF YOU'RE UNDER HIM, YOU AIN'T GETTING OVER HIM

Yep, thats right, the famous 'New Rules' verse we have all grown to know, love, shout to, cry to and maybe actually, even begin to despise (?) - I'm talking those times when it would blast out the car radio, on your shameful drive home from, yep, you've guessed it, your ex's. It's a mere fortnight since you'd sworn that this would never happen again and yet here you are, unbrushed hair, makeup from the night before, and a sock missing, regrettably driving through the streets you thought you'd never see again. You just can't help but feel that you've let Dua down, once again.

Yes, I picked up the phone. Yes, I let him in. Yes, we are now somehow, once again, 'friends' and at approximately 3.30am, four Saturdays after I'd sworn to myself I'd never speak to him again, I end up, under him.

S I G H H H H H...

Yep, this blog post is about on/off relationships. (Ooh, how exciting for you all). This is a topic that I never ever thought would be on my radar at any point in my life, alas here I am with a massive 3 years experience. Believe it or not, when this was my life (and yes, it did unfortunately consume my entire existence), I genuinely remember googling 'How to get over an ex' or 'How to stop seeing an ex'. Absolutely tragic, right? Anyway in an attempt to save you from the same despair, I thought I'd share some of my thoughts, feelings, and advice, in the hope that it'll help someone else in the same position.

THE FUNNY FIVE MINUTES PHASE (THE INITIAL BREAK UP):
You know when a puppy has an absolute mental moment? Usually in the evening time just after dinner, when it'll run round like a lunatic, crashing into things, rolling around and racing in circles? I guess you could kind of imagine that as this phase, but in human form.

Picture this: you've just had 'the talk' with your partner for the second time that month, so decided to 'mutually' end things. You walk away from the situation channeling a 'I'm a badass bitch and I don't care if you don't want me anyway' vibe, alas you secretly feel, incredibly heartbroken. Two days after listening to 'its not you, its me' kind of speeches, you see your now ex, on Tinder.

Shit. Gets. Crazy. You spiral into a some form of insanity you didn't even know existed. Suddenly your own dating profile is created and pimped out with in seconds, you message everyone you match with, and your Whatsapp group chats are blowing up with groups being renamed to 'This weekend xoxo' or 'Adventures with my bitches' (lol). You are now prepared to quite literally drown yourself in alcohol, march around town in a new outfit every weekend, and flirt with literally everyone - for the foreseeable future. I call this the 'funny five minutes phase' for a reason. This phase see's you doing things you wouldn't even imagine, let alone knew you were capable of. All fun, games, and 'stories to tell' at the time, but actually very dangerous looking back. I've actually never been dumped before, so I'm guessing this is how I initially dealt with the feeling of rejection. However, everyone is different. Some people throw themselves into new hobbies, seeing their friends all the time, or joining a gym. I just decided to drink. A lot.

This is something I wouldn't personally recommend. Yeah of course it helps to go out with your friends and get smashed, followed by giggling for hours the next day in your pj's. However it did absolutely nothing for my self worth and general wellbeing. Drinking a lot probably made me even more sad, not only about the break up I was going through but also about myself. I remember hating myself through this phase. Despite my Instagram being constantly glamourised with night out and cocktail pictures, looking like I was having 'the best time ever!' I was actually on the side line questioning everything. The way I looked, my personality, the way I loved someone, the way I was as a person in general. My low self esteem and general self neglect probably explains why I was so easily led back into the arms of my ex, every time the dreaded 'I miss you' texts came through.

THE SELF DOUBT PHASE ('WE ACCEPT THE LOVE WE THINK WE DESERVE'):
Ahh the best part. NOT. This is the part where you've been single for a couple of months, just about started to get a grip of your life again when out of the blue, you get a some what questionable text. Usually around two or three scrolls worth in length, and basically telling you everything you want to hear. 'I don't know what I've done.' 'I feel shit not speaking to you' 'I just want to hold you again'.
Ok ok ok, so the old Madi, the Madi who dumped everyone who appeared wildly in love with her - would've laughed at such messages and probably shared it with her new love interest with a roll of the eyes. (Yep, I've been a bitch, I know). However, when you're feeling so utterly down about yourself, such texts come as a euphoric relief. 'HA, he does miss me'.

Does he though? or is it just that nobody 'better' has come along? or he's just at an age where all his friends have partners and he feels a bit left out? or is it that he just knows you'll reply? These are the things that didn't even cross my mind at the time. I was officially love drunk. Any attention was good attention in my eyes. I remember through this phase of about a year, I was picked up and dropped like a hot stone. Lavish dinners out, hotel stays, day trips, weekends away, each time usually followed by being dumped, again. Yet through out this entire time I clung on to a little thing called 'hope' each time. I was fooled I tell you, FOOLED! Embarrassingly all I wanted was to be accepted and loved. At this point I'm not even sure if I wanted a relationship with this person, however the small moments of happiness together seemed to put a hush on the side of the relationship, that looking back, was just damn right toxic.

This phase is hard. Perhaps the hardest. A consistent conflict of the mind, you could say. Part of you knows that deep down, you deserve better than this. You shouldn't be in fear of when you'll next be disposed of, or wondering if you're just filling a gap as apposed to genuinely being loved. Relationships are about consistency, compromise and trust, all of which me and said ex struggled with massively. Something that I have never truly realised until now. Unfortunately, nobody can pull you through this phase but you. The amount of times my friends would tell me 'just don't text him back' or 'he can't possibly love you after everything he's put you through' or my family would express their confusion as to why I kept 'going back', yet of course, I would never listen. You have to get to a place where you know in your heart what you deserve, as apposed to living in a world where you think over and over again 'Maybe it'll be okay this time'.

I personally found that travelling and spending time with my friends and family helped this. Doing things that made me feel genuine happiness gave me a good comparison to the feeling I felt when dating my on/off ex. I hate the phrase 'do what makes you happy', but it is true. It solves nearly everything! Not to mention helps you remember that you are deserving of happiness, and you should never jeopardise that for a temporary feeling of being 'wanted'.

THE 'YOU DO YOU' PHASE :
Probably the most self healing phase, and where most of your strength of heart will (slightly) be regained. The part where you start to talk to other people, date other people, get a real feeling for realising its not just your ex that will fancy you or want you around.
This phase saw me travelling to different places, meeting new people and spending a hell of a lot of time with my best friend, Christina - who listened to the same stories every month, and was so patient with my '...so I did something stupid' shenanigans, over and over and over again. She helped me through more than she knows, just by listening (thanks bbe). I even dated someone else through these few months of no contact with my ex, who was much more to my taste and style which, (even though he turned out to be an absolute knob), having someone interested in me again, made me feel really good about myself! Life seemed good again.

Alas, I must mention, on/off relationships do take two to tango. I'm not saying I was an angel throughout this entire situation. So you can guess who I reached out for when I found myself in a bad place again. I feel like on/off relationships are toxic for three reasons; you both secretly know that one of you will always reply, you both know you can bring some form of 'comfort' to each other, and as time goes on, theres an element of trying to regain control of the situation each time you lose it, which I only now realise after looking back at our behaviour.

'He's asked me for coffee, do I go?'

My answer would be dependent on how strong you feel at this point, for me I remember feeling as though I'd be absolutely fine just being friends with the guy, giving him an exchange of my time in exchange for his flattery. I find it actually helped me to meet my ex again, at the time (Have you lost track of how many times we'd ended it yet met up again? cause' same). I felt much stronger after dating someone else, and after all, its not like my ex was all bad. We shared moments of genuine conversations and had a very similar sense of humour. I found meeting with my ex gave me a weird sense of power when it came to my self esteem. Even though I knew he had dated other people also, he still wanted me (or so I was always led to believe hey). This seemed to be the kind of fucked up confirmation I felt I needed at that point in my life, so I just let it happen. Until guess what? Naturally I ended up 'catching feelings' (gross), and again, I was left hurt.

Looking back, should we have met? No. Should we have even got back together after he initially told me he 'couldn't fall in love with me' after 5 months of dating right at the start? No. However, we all do stupid shit. I should mention here too, its absolutely exhausting hiding something from your nearest and dearest. I remember feeling so ashamed I was meeting my ex again, the same ex that saw my 24 year old ass crying on my bedroom floor countless times in despair, the same ex that saw me spend countless evenings cuddling my mum on the sofa, that I literally told nobody through most of our on/off period. 

Unfortunately, absolutely nobody can tell you what to do in such situations. All I wanted at points was someone to tell me how to deal with everything, how to make it all go away and how to stop it hurting. I'd tried the not replying, I'd tried the blocking, I'd tried getting my mind off it with other things. Nothing seemed to work and some sort of toxic gravitational pull kept pulling us together. Eventually it was pretty clear that this 'toxic gravitational pull' was, and that was, alcohol. Once you start to realise that the texts or messages you're receiving (or sending) are at 2am on Sunday mornings, ironically thats when everything becomes slightly more clear.

THE PRO LONGED DEPRESSION:

I hate to tell you this, but although feeling pretty depressed throughout the entire ordeal of an on/off relationship, I have to admit the worst was probably towards the end. I'm gunna say this is maybe the 6/7th time we'd reconnected (kill me now). The part where you resent yourself for pretty much every action you seem to take that relates to your ex. The texting back, the going to his house, the conversing with each others parents, the invites back into each others lives - everything just made me want to curl into myself with doubt, fear and sickening repulse at what I was doing, yet again, to my poor heart/head. 

I felt as though I was not only hurting myself but also my ex, I found myself becoming a horrible person, dishing out personal digs and just generally not being myself at all. I found myself almost a bully at this point. I was so mad at my ex for claiming to desperately want me again, after all the times I was let down and hurt. It was almost a 'how dare you even say that' sort of moment. I was mad at seeing him on dating apps over and over again, I was mad at him wanting me and then not wanting me, mad at him for admitting he really liked another girl he dated, mad at him for pushing himself on me with yet more gifts and what now felt like 'boy who called wolf' speeches.

I was sick, and I was tired, of being the girl that always 'gave in' to pleads and promises that looking back, can't have even been real. I was watching friends around me meeting new people and sharing new stories of love and interaction. Yet here I was with the same old stories that, at some point, my peers even made fun of. 'No sleeping with ____ this weekend then Mads?'. It was humiliating and just damn right awkward. Meeting with your ex again after so much has happened, is just completely and utterly pointless. You're both preventing each other from moving on, and in reality, I strongly believe that at this point we were both just clinging to each other due to loneliness. I can't tell you how much of a mess I found myself in at the beginning of this year. My mental health was at a place I'd never seen it before and my conscience was screaming at me to stop. I'm the sort of person who can't lie, and can't fake my feelings, so conforming to the pleads of my ex (AGAIN) was just completely against my Mantra.

THE CONTENT PHASE (THE HERE AND NOW):
Ahhh and here we are, the present day. I'm not getting drunk every second of my life, I'm not actively trying to seek a connection with someone new, I'm not bombarding my diary with dates, and I'm not pining for love. I am just me. Cruising through life, saving money, looking to my future, planning my future, lying in bed naked a lot, eating and cooking foods I love, wearing clothes I love, wearing loads of makeup, not wearing any makeup, having loads of long baths etc. I tell you now, being single is actually pretty awesome. I'm learning, slowly but surely to not be my biggest critic. My self esteem is slowly being gained as it was before, and I'm doing things for me, and not to please or want approval from anybody else. I'm maintaining my mental health by treating myself well - I'm resting, recuperating, learning new things, and doing the things I love again, like taking blog photos, painting, reading & dancing (around my room, lol). Don't get me wrong I get days where I'm incredibly lonely and all I want to do is cry and for someone to hug me for hours, however I know that it's only temporary. Before I felt I needed someone to love me to have worthy of happiness or self love. I'm sorry but how dumb?!?!

I'm not going to sit here and tell you to not stalk your ex's social media, because I know you will. However it never helps. No matter how much you tell yourself you don't care, you're over it, it was a long time ago. It will still sting to see something you don't necessarily want to. Every time I'd find myself bored or curious, I put an instant block on even the idea of searching said ex's name. It really helps to set your sights on something else, rather than content that is toxic to you. If I find myself tempted, I just put my phone down and walk away from it - go and make a cup of tea, go and have a cuddle with the dog, vacuum your room - anything that is more productive than stalking, is a step in the right direction.

Take this moment as time to appreciate yourself again. Find your sense of humour again, your sense of style, what makes you laugh and what makes you feel comforted and all round noice, yano? I was so caught up in feeling like everything about me was wrong, so it's nice to just literally start a fresh with yourself, and of course in the words of RuPaul,

'If you can't love yourself, 

How the hell you gunna love somebody else?'

THE BULK OF ADVICE:
1. As much as you might want me to say there is a fairytale ending, there really is no point in texting back, meeting again, double thinking that things could work out, after you & an ex have split (I mean everyones different, but it sure as hell was pointless for me). People who are in love don't just drop each other, with out attempting to work it out first, let alone proceeding to go on dating apps immediately after the deed is done. It's pretty obvious to me that I just didn't quite fit the bill for that person, whether they say thats the truth or not. Just remember the quote;
'Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me'.

2. Always be genuine and truthful. I can hand on heart admit that I never once said anything to my ex without meaning it. Towards the end of this bipolar relationship, I actually found myself saying 'I'm not in love with you anymore' and 'I don't want to be with you anymore' because thats how I actually felt. I wasn't going to pretend I was still in love or wanted the relationship, just because I was being showered in gifts, or to make myself, or that person feel temporary happiness.

3. Never underestimate how fast an ex will 'get over you'. Unfortunately it does happen, that one week you can look into someones eyes while they hold your hands and tell you all they want is their future with you, to the next week, seeing them actively dating again. It does suck at the time and even after everything, it still hurts, but always remember it's actually a blessing in disguise. You can finally now move on in peace too.

4. If you were happier and more content with yourself before the relationship, acknowledge that. I found myself pining for approval from my ex ever since he initially broke up with me at the start. Any form of disapproval from then on was magnified for me. Remember that we all love differently, and its nobodies fault if you don't quite match up when it comes to mutual support and making each other feel good.

4. Remember you are now free. Free from anxiety, free from regret, free from negativity and free from literally driving yourself insane. Free to learn about yourself, and of course, learn how to love yourself as you want to be loved.

5. ALSO - Bonus point - You're not pregnant with said ex's child. Thank. God.

THIS POST WAS SO LONG, OH MY GOSH. 

So sorry about that. This is something I've wanted to write about for about 18 months now, but guess what, I was so unsure of myself to not be in contact with my ex again, I couldn't bring myself to post it. Contact is a funny thing for our generation. Its so easy to pick up your phone and connect with people on so many different social platforms etc. This time around me and my ex actually sat down and mutually blocked each other on everything. It was unfair and completely unjustified to keep each other contactable, and I hand on heart believe its the best thing we've done, for both of us. I'm genuinely excited for us to move on and be happy, not to talk bad of our experience together, or let it effect any new relationships, but to just accept that the past is the past. After all, thats the goal, isn't it? I don't want this post to be about 'throwing shade' (what even is that expression lol), or a 'woe is me' kinda thing. I literally just wanted to put something to bed in my mind, and for me the best way to do that is to just spill my mind, meanwhile hopefully sharing some advice with anyone who might need it!

Remember that if you're going through a tough time in your relationship, be sure to communicate thoroughly, acknowledge and realise if you're not right for each other, and stick to any decisions you may make. I do still have hope in my heart (believe it or not), that there is such thing as a healthy, mutual and loving relationship. Just be true to yourself and I don't think you can go far wrong. DO YOU BOO :)

(Also watch this: #godblessWillSmith)

Thanks for reading (and fair play if you did),
Madi x

PS If you're interested in my outfit:

Bag - Urban Outfitters (about 7 years ago)

Earrings - ASOS

Jacket - Primark

Cropped Velour Hoody - H&M

Trousers - Zara

Shoes - Converse 

Lipstick - Lady Danger (MAC)

PHOTOGRAPHER: Chloe Harriets