I first came across this word when my best friend used it to describe me once, after expressing my confusion over a boy who said he 'couldn't read me'.
I am currently lying in bed, frightened to move myself any further north incase I feel the need to vomit all over my laptop. I am ill - life sucks, I'm bored out of my actual existence, and I've eaten nothing but rice crispies, pasta, and chip sticks for the past 4 days. ANYWAY - the time I've had stuck in bed, relentlessly scrolling my phone, watching every video in my Youtube subscription feed, noticing all the girls who regularly post attention worthy things on Facebook, watched day time TV, and cried over lack of human contact - has got me thinking.
I don't know about anyone else, but I feel like my 20's have been the worst years of my life so far. Is that a bold statement? probably. As a young girl, stuck in the current movement of depressing news, badly paid jobs, living with parents, terrible dating apps, global prejudice and general negativity is bad enough - but being the type of personality type I am surrounded by this, is almost suffocating.
Disappointed is a good word to sum up how I feel about life in my 20's, or at least how I've been made to feel. I feel like the world these days has been sectioned into categories, and if you don't fit in (or at least portray yourself on social media to fit in), you lose. Makeup guru, travelling free spirit, casual alcoholic, festival goer, live music lover, working abroad go getter, *sigh*, the list goes on. (I would be lying if I told you I haven't tried to -nonchalantly- fit in to at least 3 of these categories.)
I still don't know what I want. Being 24 and not knowing what you want may sound common, 'Your 20's is about finding yourself', but what about if you don't know WHERE to even start? Sometimes I watch people around me move on and up with their lives, while I remain stuck. Friends moving out, travelling, working abroad, working with big brands, meeting new people, getting EXCITED about things. My nonchalant attitude doesn't help, what do you do when theres no passion in your soul to drive you towards the things you want or have interest in? I envy people with passion. TRUE passion that keeps you engaged, interested, and work towards something. I am so jealous of all the girls that have the energy, drive and passion in them to get what they want. It's not like I WANT to give up on things, in fact, if I start something, its very rare I don't see it through. My problem as of late is I give up before I've began. My thoughts on traveling, for example, are constant - would I like to go? yes. would I like to go alone? hell no. However over recent -in mind discussions-, it seems thats the only way it'll ever happen for me. Maybe its confidence, maybe its being a slight pessimist, but can. you. imagine. little old me - 2 inhalers, 2 types of medication, weak immune system, allergies to life - even getting on an airplane alone?
I envy girls who are loud, excitable and confident, why can't I be like that? Why can't I have the effort to be SO EXCITED over this GORGEOUS new shade of lipstick, or SO STOKED that a certain band has a new album coming out. I am an introvert, and in a world where you're only noticed by 'putting yourself out there' *sarcastic thumbs up*, it S U C K S. I am the girl who people get annoyed at for not being excited at opening presents, or the girl who stays engaged in something for a maximum of 5.5 seconds and then wants to look at something new. Something I have learnt about myself over the past 4 years is I invest myself in people, or should we say boyfriends to be more specific. I like to be cosy and settled and comfortable, moseying around in a little twosome against the world - however, investing all of your time, energy and passion into people - never works out. What I'm trying to say is, life feels hard when you feel as though you SHOULD be doing all these things.. moving out, getting a 'real job', becoming manager, traveling, meeting new people, buying houses, having babies, driving a new car, wearing the latest fashion, dating, eating vegetables, having a great ass, loving pizza, loving pugs, etc. What happens if you want to travel but the thought of mixing with strangers while conjuring small talk and 'fitting in' is literally crippling? What happens if, try as you might, every dream and ambition so far in life has left you with knock backs and lack of confidence? but on the contrary, what if you care as much as you don't? W H A T I F.
I never have the passion for drive because I never have the passion for success. Nothing HUGELY impresses me and even if it did I can't show it. Is there a support group for this?
'Nonchalant 20 something y/o's anonymous'
I hope one day I can look back on this post and laugh, poorly little Madi had no idea of the adventures to come. Heres to hoping!
xx
